Death to Het
by wrestlefan4
Summary: Shawn devises the best plan ever, he and all the slash characters are going to kill off their het counterparts. Who will be first to expire? Will our slash heroes be victorious? Will Jorrie finally go to the grave? You'll just have to find out wontcha?
1. Chapter 1

_It's almost 6:00am as I am posting this and I've had no sleep. I have been up entertaining plot bunnies and having a really fun and random all night convo with a fellow fic writer yay! Out of all that, this thought popped up. We were talking about het pairings and I said what would it be like if the slash pairings killed off all the het pairings? Well…we will soon find out…bwaha ha ha bwa ha _

_This fic is dedicated to wrestling slash writers and their insane yet lovable musi. :)_

**Death to Het **

**Chapter One: The Plot Begins**

It was a quiet night in the wrestling section of fanfiction. Most of the wrestlers were snug up in their beds except for slash Shawn Michaels who stared at the ceiling, his mind working out a devious plot. A smirk crossed his face and he startled when slash Hunter gave a loud snort in his sleep. He stifled a giggle then nudged his sleeping lover.

"Hunt…" He whispered gruffly and propped himself up on one elbow. Hunter mumbled something incoherent and stirred in his sleep rustling the covers and pulling them up so Shawn's toes were exposed. Shawn used one of his exposed toes to poke his lover in the butt until Hunter rolled over in irritation and swatted at Shawn. Shawn just laughed and ran a hand through his long golden brown hair. Hunter opened his eyes to slits and pouted at Shawn for waking him up.

"What? It's like 5:00 am are you insane? Go to sleep."

"I'm thinking." Shawn said rubbing at the stubble on his jaw.

"Oh no, this can not be good." Hunter groaned and buried his nose in his pillow. "Go to sleep Shawn, you know the writers will be up early and start needing us as their musi. There's nothing worse than a groggy musi and you know how the writers can get when they're displeased with us."

"Well if we go through with this plan I'm thinking of I think a lot of our writers will be very pleased." Shawn smirked and grabbed a small notebook from the nightstand and scribbled nearly illegible chicken scratches into it. With each line he added he looked just a little more possessed. At last Hunter's concern outweighed his need for shut eye and he stole the notebook away from Shawn.

"Hey, give it back!" Shawn whined reaching for it but Hunter held it out of Shawn's reach. As Hunter began to read his smile grew wider and wider. Shawn crawled over Hunter and flailed his arms in an attempt to retrieve the kidnapped notes but instead he lost his balance and toppled off the bed and onto the floor in an unceremonious crash.

"This is freaking gold Shawn!" Hunter hollered excited as he thumbed through the miniature pages.

"Actually it's recycled paper stuff." Shawn said sitting up and rubbing at his head tossing his hair askew.

Hunter threw the bed sheets aside and flew out of the bed and disappeared from the bedroom with Shawn's notebook in hand leaving the Showstopper in confusion. After Hunter didn't return for a few minutes Shawn began to worry that he might have been called out by one of the writers…and when Hunter was called out in the middle of the night he often forgot to lock the door. Hunter was just that way. It was always up to Shawn to make sure the house was buckled up safe.

Shawn padded into the living room and found Hunter still at home stretched out on the couch with Shawn's notebook in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

"Hunt, what are you doing?" Shawn questioned stretching and groaning when his back crackled in protest. He rubbed at his blue-grey eyes and yawned, Hunter was right, the lack of sleep was beginning to catch up to him.

"I'm calling everyone. I'm calling all the slash musi! Shawn this is the best idea you have ever had and we are so going to do it!" Hunter pumped the phone up and down in the air excitedly then pressed the speed dial number for slash Mark.

A few hours later Shawn was putting on coffee and several slash musi were gathered in the living room talking excitedly over Shawn's plan. Out there on fanfiction the het musi were still sleeping and completely unaware of any plotting against them. Het John Cena slept snuggly in his bed with Torrie cuddled next to him. Trish was there the night before but they had gotten into an argument where Trish accused het Cena of being secretly slash. Cena grew pale at the idea of ever being paired with a guy let alone the normal slash Cena pairings like Cena/Randy. He was so disgusted that he ordered Trish out of his house.

She just pouted and went see het Randy and fortunately for her Randy and Mickie had just had a terrible fight that night. It seems Mickie had asked Randy if the pants made her ass look big and he made the unforgivable mistake of stammering: "Well um…" after that it was all over. When Maria found out about the fight she asked Randy the same question about her own behind. At that early in the morning Randy was not fully awake and his delayed response earned him a pillow to the face and Maria left to be with het Jeff. In a different het household Adam slept on the couch because Vicki had thrown him out again. He wished Lita would come over but she was with Matt, damn her! Hunter slept soundly in his bed snoring away and he didn't even notice that Stephanie had snuck away in the night to have a secret meeting held in Chris Jericho's bedroom. He was so freaking oblivious it was pathetic.

The rest of the het pairings thought they were safe in their own homes and were simply getting a good nights rest before the fic writers came back and needed inspiration or guinea pigs for demented plot bunnies. But wouldn't those writers get a surprise when they found one of their het musi and a diva or two murdered? The only question was…who would be first?

The slash musi sat in a circle in Shawn/Hunter's living room sipping coffee and discussing means of torture. This was going to be way too fun.

_Oh oh oh! What do you think!!! Reviews plz! Oh yeah and one thing...I am thinking there is no such creature as Het Shawn. Shawn seems ALWAYS slash when he is in ffic . Can anyone confirm or deny? _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for reviews from Souless666, Dark Kaneanite, xMayhemx, coolchic79260, Esha Napoleon, TheVampireLucinda, LCHime, Sarah HHH, DX-Dynamite, and takers dark lover. :D**_

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 2: Adam Falls First**

Het Adam groaned as he sat up from the couch. In the other room he could already hear Vicki up and wished secretly to himself that she would stick a fork in the toaster and get fried to death. The thought of Vicki being electrocuted by an evil appliance elicited a snort from him and he had to slap his hands over his mouth to hold back the giggles. Vicki had already heard him awake and snorting and rounded the couch scowling and wearing the most hideous semi-transparent bathrobe ever.

"Um…hey baby." Adam tried and forced a lopsided grin. He pushed his hair back away from his face nervously. Vicki crossed her arms over her chest.

"Are you sorry for last night?"

Adam hung his head in shame and mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want to be hear with you! It's not my fault these damn writers put us together a lot. I'm about ready to go over to Matt's and take Lita back I'm sick of you!"

Vicki's jaw dropped in shock and she started to yammer threats to Adam who pushed passed her and stalked outside in his boxers. Once he stepped onto the porch he cursed loudly, his bare heel landed directly in a pile of dog crap. He jerked his head up when he heard giggles and saw slash Adam, slash Chris, and slash Matt hiding in the bushes.

"You idiots!" Het Adam screamed and chased the slash delinquents out of his yard. A few moments later a huge truck with flames on the side bellowed down the road swerving wildly. Slash Kane leaned out the window and smashed het Adam's mailbox to hell and back with a baseball bat. Behind the wheel Hunter threw back his head and laughed crazily.

"What the hell!" Adam shouted stomping over to his abused mailbox and picking it up. "Damn slash musi what's wrong with you!"

He jumped startled when he was tapped on the shoulder. He whirled around and came face to face with more slash musi: Shawn, Taker, JBL, and CM Punk all with identical maniacal leers on their faces.

"We're hear for you darlin'." Undertaker purred at Adam and made him start to twitch nervously. Color drained from his face and his eyes grew wide and buggy.

"Wha-at do you mean you're here for me!"

JBL pulled a cigar from his jacket and hung it between his teeth grinning wolfishly.

"What he means Adam, is that you belong to us now." JBL gripped Adam's wrist and when he tried to pull away Punk grabbed the other.

"You're coming with us. You'll be the first." Punk shoved het Adam into JBL and Undertaker pulled out a bandana and used it to gag het Adam who was in tears by now. Shawn trailed his fingers through Adam's long blonde locks and winked at him.

"Take him away guys." Shawn said with a little hint of barked laughter. Punk and JBL dragged Adam away and Mark followed Shawn inside to get Vicki. When she noticed one large shadow and another smaller one looming over her she spun on her heal, trapped against the counter. She panicked immediately seeing Taker staring down at her, his features shadowed from the rim of his hat. Normally he would be dressed in more normal clothes but he was feeling the need to be particularly menacing today so he was complete in his Undertaker hat and coat. Shawn stood off to the side wielding a steak knife with a strange sparkle glimmering in his blue eyes.

"What are you doing!" Vicki screeched, her voice piercing the men's ears like nails dragged viciously across a chalkboard.

"We're taking you to a place where you will never be used again. Once the writers try to look for you you'll be restin' in peace, never to be heard from again." 'Taker said stepping forward. Vicki shrieked again even louder and sent Shawn to holding his ears and stabbing the knife into the countertop.

"One more noise and I'm going to find Mae Young and let her have her way with you!" Shawn bellowed. Mark made a retching sound and slapped Shawn in the back of the head sending his straw cowboy hat toppling off to the floor.

"Shawn, never ever put that kind of sick mental image in my head!" Mark growled and shook his head from side to side as though literally trying to fling away that image. Vicki cowered against the countertop and tried to climb up on it and scoot further away.

"Well I'm sorry but we have to use harsh tactics Mark." Shawn stated firmly and sat his hat back on his head. "Now Vickikins you better come with us."

Meanwhile

Slash JBL laughed and puffed a plume of smoke into het Adam's face. The frightened young man coughed and tugged at the restraints that bound him to a chair. Punk watched amused and twirled JBL's white cowboy hat on his finger.

"So John, what should we do to him first?" Punk chewed on his lip ring in anticipation. John knelt on one knee and tore Adam's shoe and sock away.

"Let's…" John reached into his jacket and pulled out a fist full of fresh hundreds. "…tickle his feet…with my money."

_Lmbo! Like or dislike? What is to become of Adam/Vicki lol :D_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Wow thanks everyone so much your response to this fic is incredible. You guys leave the best reviews too I've been as entertained by your reviews as I have been by writing this. Thank you Dark Kaneanite, Souless 666, Purging Poison, takers dark lover, Esha Napoleon, Dx-Dynamite, SaraHHH, HBKShawnMichaelsDX, xMayhemx, Shinigami sakura2000, and LCHime.**_

**Death of Het**

**Chapter 3: Het Adam Meets Slash Adam…And His Demise**

Slash Adam ran through slash Shawn and Hunters living room squealing excitedly. Slash Miz and Morrison broke away from their hot make out session long enough to watch amused and offer a chuckle at the blond. He bounded through the kitchen and down the basement stairs taking them two at a time and coming dangerously close to flying down them and hurting himself. When he saw his het self bound to a chair and looking very rattled he danced around in a little circle.

"What the fuck?" Het Adam tilted his head momentarily distracted from the seriousness of the situation. He was much too entertained with his slash self and wondered why the guy was dancing around…and in a leather mini skirt with matching knee high boots and a hot pink halter top.

"Oh I've never seen my het self this close!" Slash Adam strutted over excitedly and started to examine his het self closely. "Oh shit that beard has to go. Why would you ever allow something that nasty on your face?" Slash Adam shuddered dramatically and Punk and JBL both stood by watching the scene in amusement.

"Because I can." Het Adam replied snottishly curling his lip in disgust at his slash self. "Why are dressed in drag? You look like a freak." He shot back, causing slash Adam to stick his lip out in a pout.

"I'm a hell of a lot more attractive than you. Ick! In fact I think I look damn good!" He said standing up and twirling around. JBL nodded his agreement and Punk stomped on his toe, causing him to let out a yowl of pain and drop his cigar to the floor. "See right after you came out and chased us away from your house-oh goodness the look on your face was priceless when you stepped in that shit-I was called away by a writer. She put me in this. I kinda like so I brought it home. It makes me feel like a beauty queen!"

"Well I'm not here to talk fucking fashion with my gay self. But since you're here maybe you can convince them to let me go. I mean I know we're different but we're both Adam so you should sympathize with my current situation!"

Slash Adam stopped his twirling and tilted his head to the side in thought twirling a strand of his pretty hair around the end of his finger. A smirk twitched on his lips and he sauntered closer to his het self and knelt in front of him. Just to creep his het self out slash Adam ran his hand slowly up his het selfs leg. Het Adam struggled against the restraints in some stupid attempt to wiggle away from his slash selfs roaming hand. This only caused slash Adam to bite his lip and look up at him with big blue eyes full of a mischievous twinkle.

"Oh honey, don't struggle." Slash Adam squeezed the thigh of his het self.

"Come on, let me go!" Het Adam whined trying to tug harder on his restraints and only managing to bruise his wrists and ankles. At last he gave up and leaned back in the chair, defeated and panting. "You don't want them to hurt me…do you?"

"I don't want them to hurt you." Slash Adam replied feigning innocence. "_I_ want to hurt you." Slash Adam clapped his hands together and laughing insanely.

He got up and ran over to JBL and Punk, his boot heels clicking against the floor.

"So what have you guys been doing to him so far?" Slash Adam asked in a lowered voice.

"Been tickling his feet with my hundreds." JBL replied fanning the bills out.

"Ooh…that's good!" Adam clapped JBL on the shoulder and the older man cast him a half-offended half-confused glance.

"Yeah and then I ran around in my hoody without pants making him wonder if I had any underwear on." Punk replied lifting his hoody to reveal his tightie-whities that were otherwise hidden.

"Yes!" Adam cheered and he and Punk exchanged victorious high fives.

"Hm…y'know you guys could share a victory kiss." JBL suggested grinning at the two young men.

"Well I don't know if--" Punk started to protest the idea but Adam put a quick end to it with his lips. He forced Punks lips apart and swirled his tongue into his mouth. JBL felt dizzy and had to steady himself by leaning on Shawn's washing machine.

"Oh, that's real good." The Texan all but moaned.

"Sick!" Came a disturbed voice from across the room. "Hell do you have to do that in front of me!"

Slash Adam released Punk's lips and turned around licking his lips and regarding the twisted expression on his het selfs face with curiosity.

"Oh…" Slash Adam mused. "You mean…you don't like it?"

"Fuck no!" Het Adam spat. "That's sick shit."

Slash Adam entwined his fingers with Punk's and dragged the raven haired man over to his het self.

"Does it gross you out?"

"Yes."

"Does it make you wanna heave?"

"Yeah I'm just lucky I didn't have breakfast this morning. You idiots kidnapped me before I could have my Wheaties." Het Adam pouted.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" Slash Adam dramatized looking sadly at his het self before bursting into a grin. "_Not!_" He smashed his lips to Punk's once more right in front of het Adam and Punk responded with exaggerated moans and groans to the horror of het Adam and the enjoyment of JBL who was practically drooling down the front of his shirt.

Slash Punk ran his hand up Adam's leg and under his short skirt which caused het Adam to start gagging and immediately squeeze his eyes shut.

"Hey none of that!" John yelled wagging his finger at het Adam. He stomped across the room and took a place behind the chair and forced het Adam's eyes open by pulling his eyelids up so he had to watch the intense make-out. JBL laughed evilly as het Adam begged and pleaded for them to end it all.

"Do you want it to stop?" John yelled in his ear. Het Adam sobbed unable to cope.

"Yes, yes I want it to end!"

John gasped suddenly startled when het Adam disappeared before his eyes. Phil and Adam stopped too with Adam biting at Phil's lip ring both wide eyed. Phil pulled away and reached his hand out uncertainly towards the now empty chair.

"Is he…really gone?"

"Let's check. I have his number in my phone and if he's really gone he won't be in there. It'll be like he never existed." Phil pulled out his phone and John and Adam crowded around him eagerly. Footsteps came down the basement stairs getting closer and closer. Shawn's voice came to them as he sauntered over to the threesome.

"Did you take care of him?"

Adam nodded as Phil shoved his phone back into his pocket. He turned to John they exchanged exclamations of victory.

"Slash Adam 3:16 says I just owned your ass!" Adam declared then burst into giddy giggles. All four turned when they heard more footsteps coming down the stairs heavier than Shawn's had been. It was Taker and he had the biggest smile ever stretched across his face which was a little strange to behold.

"We'll you're all mister smiley." Slash Adam greeted the big man.

"That was so fucking fun!" Mark looked so happy that he might explode.

"How's Vicki?" Shawn asked, already knowing the answer from Mark's expression.

"The bitch is non-existent! She's dead, she expired, she bit the bullet, she kicked the bucket, she's six feet under, she's worm food!" Mark sang as he grabbed Adam by the arm and danced a jig with him reminiscent of Finlay and Hornswoggle.

"Now…who will be next and…" Shawn said rubbing his hands together and running his tongue over his lips…then suddenly tilting his head to the side. "…and Adam why the hell are you wearing my leather mini-skirt?"

_Reviews?I don't know where I got my personality for slash Adam from but I absolutely adore him now lol! As for Het Adam…we will mourn your death. Oh what the crap am I saying we will not mourn—we will laugh very loudly and non-discretely! AhahahaHA!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Back with more!! Yay! Thank you to all who have been so kind to read and review this story including: Dark Kaneanite, TVL, Purging Poison, LCHime, Cenalova-52-8284, shinigami sakura2000, HBKShawnMichaelsDX, DX-Dynamite, cheryl24, SaraHHH, Animal Luvr 4 Life, takers dark lover, xMayhemx, and Esha Napoleon. Means so much to me! I'm glad you all are enjoying this. :D**

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 4: Captured**

Shawn had called a meeting of all the slash musi in his and Hunters home. He had heard rumors that some of them were getting tired of waiting for their turn to wreak havoc to people of the het world and so were going off on their own witch hunts. Shawn did not at all like the idea of this. This whole project was his baby and he felt very strongly about it and wanted it done right. So far things had gone pretty well, he just had to get Taker and Kane to stop fighting over methods of torture so they could get to Jaria. Shawn had suggested the obvious, why not use whatever Kane wanted and what Taker wanted to do? Both men turned identical scowls on each other. They both wanted to be in charge of their assignment so it seemed and this meant they were getting nowhere.

"If you have to be reminded, technically speaking, I am in charge and neither of you are." Shawn informed both large men and they now turned their glares from each other onto Shawn. "And don't glare at me! Hey, I can take you both off this mission if I want to and I'll assign you to something horrible!"

"What would that be Michaels?" Kane growled.

"Well, I erm, don't know yet but you just wait you'll be sorry you ever crossed me!" Shawn shouted jabbing his finger at Kane's shoulder then thinking better of it. "Um…sorry."

"Hey everyone's here but Miz and Morrison." Slash Hunter said trotting up next to Shawn. He licked his fingers and flipped pages on a clip-board showing Shawn check marks next to everyone except for The Shaman of Sexy and The Chick Magnet.

Taker shook his head at the duo. Since when was DX known to be orderly and organized? This was really strange. But Shawn was consumed with this mission now and once Shawn got an idea in his head it didn't get thwarted easily, besides, it was a good idea. Taker and many others just didn't understand why things had to be done the way they were. Taker thought it was about time he voiced the opinion of many slash musi.

"Where are they?" Shawn grumbled rubbing his chin.

"Can't we just start without them? You know how they are they're probably making out and forgot about the meeting." Hunter gave a little shrug.

"Alright…I just hope they aren't getting into trouble."

"Miz, I don't think we should be doing this!" Slash Morrison whispered to his chick-magnet friend. His designer glasses slid down on his nose slicked with the nervousness of his sweat. "Shawn is more or less in charge of this whole thing and I don't know if we should be going through with this on our own. He didn't assign us to anyone yet…"

Shawn had decided that it would be best to assign certain slash musi with the task of knocking off certain other het musi or couples. The latest assignment was that het Jaria, Jeff Hardy and Maria, should be taken out by the slash Brother's of Destruction. Now the only problem was that the assignment was being delayed because Taker and Kane were arguing over how to go about it and when they did try to stalk Jaria just yesterday Kane blew their cover by farting like a sonic boom. Taker had warned him about eating burritos but little brother didn't listen. Anyway, Jaria had taken off and both were now wary and watchful of their surroundings making Taker and Kane's job even harder.

Slash Miz and Morrison hadn't been assigned anything yet. Of course Miz didn't like it and came up with his own scheme which was probably doomed to spell disaster. It was his idea that they should go after their het selves and take them out.

That was why they were both hiding in the bushes, Morrison aggravated because the knees of his tailor made high end jeans were staining with mud, and his arms were getting caught and scratched up by brambles. He turned to send a hateful look to his partner but slash Miz was too busy watching in fascination.

"I don't understand them at all." Miz mumbled as he kept his eyes glued to het Miz and Morrison. "How the hell can I not be attracted to you even in het life?" Miz flashed a smile at his perfect lover who looked ready to deck him at any moment. "And me? Well how could anyone male or female het or slash not be attracted to this!" He puffed out his chest and bobbled his head as he let Morrison get a good look at him. "That's right. Be jealous."

"For someone trying to be undercover you sure like to jibber jabber a lot." Morrison shot back trying to fix his hair and finding a bee in it. Slash Miz was quick enough to slap a hand over Morrison's mouth when his eyes grew wide and his lips parted with a shriek ready to burst forth. Luckily it muffled into Miz's hand but the bee was now enraged and zoomed straight for Miz' face. He quickly snatched off his fedora and waved it around at the damn insect.

"Kill it!" Miz hissed and Morrison ducked down losing his glasses as it buzzed past his ear. "Damn it if you didn't use all that shit on your hair then these things would be--"

"Me!?" Morrison nearly yelled but remembered they were trying to stalk themselves. "Someone could impale themselves on your pointy ass head!" He shot back before cowering once more as the bee struck terror into him. Suddenly, both men stopped holding deathly still. Morrison crossed his eyes as the yellow and black fiend landed directly on his nose. "Get it off!" He squealed like a little girl.

"Sssh!" Miz warned and crept forward slowly with his fedora raised and ready to—smack!

"OW!" Morrison yelled.

"Die BITCH!" Miz beat Morrison's head and face with his hat as the bee flitted and buzzed landing here and there.

"The motherfucker's stinging me! Get off of me! Both of you!" Morrison shoved Miz backwards toppling him at the toes of some pointy black boots. Miz was jerked up by his shirt and came face to face with het Morrison. He smirked at slash Miz and pulled down his sunglasses looking over the tops of them.

"Well, what do we have here."

"John help!" Miz called to his friend in the bushes. John stumbled out, his perfect hair a wreck, his face swelling from bee stings, and holding his glasses up sadly missing a lense.

Before slash Morrison could help his partner—and at this moment he was not all that sure that he wanted to—his arms were pulled behind him and his wrists were bound.

"We know what you're doing." A familiar yet slightly different voice whispered hot against his ear.

"Hey leave him alone!" Slash Miz shouted at his het counterpart as he dragged disheveled slash Morrison over to the other two. Slash Miz struggled with het Morrison stomping down on his toe but it did little good. Soon slash Miz found his hands also bound. He pouted when slash Morrison gave him a death glare and mouthed: _This is all your fault!_

But technically…it was the bee's fault.

"I don't understand why we can't just get a buncha machine guns and blow their het asses to hell!" Taker shouted his voice booming over the other arguing voices. This meeting had gotten out of control and Shawn was ready to rip his already sparse hair out.

"Because damn it! That's not how it works! We can't physically die because we're not physically alive like real people! We're musi!" Hunter screamed back at Taker in defense of his frazzled boyfriend. He was unaffected when the big dark man stepped forward looming over him. As if to prove this once and for all Shawn reached behind him to a table that held refreshments and grabbed a knife from the table. Before Mark could react the knife was thrust into his chest and the whole room fell silent. Hunter tore the knife free and did it again and again. Taker watched in shock as blood soaked into his clothes. On the fourth attempt Taker grabbed Hunter's wrist twisting it behind his back until Triple Idiot dropped the knife.

"What the fuck did you just do to me!" Taker bellowed beginning to feel a bit dizzy from the blood loss.

"I stabbed you numb nuts."

Taker grabbed Hunter over his head and tossed him onto the refreshment table sending deserts and snacks flying everywhere.

"Mark…calm down." Kane said placing a hand on his brother's tattooed arm. "He's right. You…you should be dead by now. He stabbed you right in the heart multiple times and you're okay."

"But it HURTS!" Taker bellowed shoving his brother out of the way and storming into Shawn's kitchen to find some towels to clean up with.

The room was soon again in a commotion as people were now discussing Mark and his stab wounds.

"Hey, quiet!" Shawn yelled climbing onto the back of his sofa. The room once more fell silent and all eyes were on Shawn, the mastermind.

"So you all get the point. Now can we please do things orderly and follow my instructions?" Shawn scanned the faces around him, some seemed okay with it, others scowled, some just looked confused, slash Cena was paying no attention at all and was licking cherry pie from Hunter's face. Shawn considered flying off the handle at the young man for daring to touch his Hunter—let alone with his tongue for hells sake—but something else diverted his anger. Two faces were still missing from the group. Even by now Miz and Morrison should have shown up. Hunter had been calling both of their phones for nearly two hours now with no answer.

"Has anyone seen Miz and Morrison today?" Shawn asked the group gathered in his living room. A chorus of negative replies came from the group but Shawn noted something peculiar. Slash Jeff and Matt seemed to be bickering over something and Matt grabbed his brother's arm trying to drag him forward through the group.

"Hardys what do you know?" Shawn inquired and both men stopped still, all faces turned to look at them. Jeff tried to hide behind his brother but Matt shoved him forward.

"They um…sorta…told me…they were goin' off on their own to find their het selves and do away with them. I shoulda told you sooner."

Shawn slapped himself in the face thoroughly frustrated. Who knew what those two ding bats had gotten themselves into now?

"Alright. I think we should probably send out search parties for them. Hunter's been trying to get a hold of them for two hours with no luck." _Hopefully, _Shawn thought, _they're still okay…because when I get to them I'm going to kill them my self!_

Slash Miz turned to slash Morrison who was shackled to the wall of Jeff's basement. Miz had briefly wondered why het Jeff had such things in his basement but then thought it better not to let his mind wonder in that direction. Miz was not all that comfortable himself chained up to the water heater. He idly tugged on the chain making it clank and clatter.

"Will you stop that!" Slash Morrison barked angrily.

"Well sorry I'm bored!" Miz whined trying to use all of his will power not to jangle the chain again.

"Bored? You're bored? Well I'm really sorry you're bored!" Morrison spat, then regretted twisting his face into such a horrible scowl, because the pain from the bee stings was nearly unbearable, another fine mess he would blame the Miz for.

"Did someone say they were bored?" An amused voice floated down the stairs followed by footsteps. White boots outlined in black made their way down the steps. Soon the black pants, highlighter-yellow tank top, yellow and orange arm socks, and rainbow hair came full into view…the owner of the basement. He was followed closely behind by het Miz and Morrison.

"Let's entertain your partner shall we?" Jeff laughed sauntering over to slash Morrison and rattling his chains mockingly. Het Miz and Morrison laughed and sneered.

"Why are you doing this!" Slash Miz shouted pulling harder on his chain, the cuff digging into the flesh of his wrist, turning it dark purple.

"My lovely woman and I have been being stalked and spied on by two of your people." Jeff spat turning his attention momentarily to Miz. "Not only that but some of our people have gone missing. It's not that I especially cared for Adam, there's too much history there, or Vicki for that matter she was just annoying. But they were _our_ people and we know what _your _people did to them. There are rumors of an uprising…and we will not sit by idly as our people are plucked off one by one. Ya'll are going to have hell to pay."

"We don't know what you're talking about!" Morrison shouted.

"That's right, play stupid." Jeff turned back to slash Morrison and licked his lips. "I don't care. You're going to be done away with one way or the other. Your little buddy has done most of the work already, he's made our job so much easier. Morrison." Jeff snapped his fingers and het Morrison, the perfect copy of slash Morrison, handed Jeff a mirror. Jeff leered at slash Morrison and played with the mirror. "That bee really did a number on you. You don't look so perfect right now…_hideous!_" Jeff shuddered dramatically and smiled when slash Morrison's swollen face drained pale.

"Don't look!" Slash Miz cried out to his partner but it was too late. Het Miz and Morrison used duct tape to pry slash Morrison's eyes open and force him to look at the horror in the mirror. His hair was a wreck, tangled with leaves and briars, but worst of all was his face. It was so swollen he looked liked he'd suddenly gained immense amount of weight. The image staring back at him was so ugly and horrible there was no way it could be him. It had to be some sort of trick, a hoax, if his face looked like that he would just…_die._

"Be strong!" Slash Miz yelled still struggling to squeeze his hand free of the chain. The rusty cuff tore his skin raw, rubbing it away, and sending hot trickles of blood down his arm.

"I look like a monster!" Morrison sobbed and tears spilled down his puffy cheeks.

"It's just swollen from the bee stings! It's temporary, it'll go down! Just tough it out John you have to!"

"Do you want us to shut him up?" Het Miz asked Jeff, but Jeff replied with a negative head shake.

"He's only stating the obvious. This reaction is temporary…but I can arrange for a more permanent disfigurement." Jeff reached into his pocket and pulled out a scalpel, he held it to the light and the blade glimmered, sharp and ready to exact damage on a victim. Jeff grinned insanely at Morrison who was now less occupied by his reflection in the mirror that Jeff still held in his other hand.

"No—no you c-ca-can't touch my-my face with that!"

"I can, and I will." Jeff growled placing the cold blade against Morrison's cheek. "This will be my best artwork ever. Abstract, I like abstract."

"No! No please I'd rather die! Don't ruin me please Jeff please!" Morrison broke down into silent sobs wracking his body.

"Don't say that, don't you dare!" Slash Miz shouted across the basement. "That's what he wants you to say! He wants you to give up and wish yourself away! He won't really do it he's just talking big to scare you! Don't do it John!" Miz's own voice cracked with tears and it took a few moments for him to say anything else. "This is what he wants…because he knows if you end it and wish yourself away then so will I. We'll both be gone…I don't want to exist without you. I can't."

Slash Miz hung his head and his tears dripped onto the cold cement floor of Jeff Hardy's basement.

"Aw, isn't that just adorable?" Jeff rolled off sarcastically. Het Miz and Morrison pulled faces of disgust and Miz made dramatic retching sounds. "So, Morrison…what do you chose? Will you sacrifice your perfection for him?" Jeff pressed the blade harder, drawing a bead of blood, waiting for an answer.

_Oh noes! Slash Mizzy and Mor are in trouble!! Reviews? Please and thanks!!_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Ta-da! It's been a while since an update on this fic. Hope you enjoy. Thank you to all the wonderful much loved reviewers: shinigami sakura 2000, takers dark lover, TVL, DK, Esha, HBKShawnMichaelsDX, TakerTakeMe, xMayhemx, Souless, and Animal Luvr 4 Life, thank you all! :D**_

**Death to Het **

**Chapter 5: The Rescue Part 1**

With a crazy glimmer dancing in Jeffs' green eyes he pressed the knife harder drawing a yelp from both Miz and Morrison and…who else was screaming? Jeff stepped back in surprise when Maria flew down the stairs shrieking wildly. She grabbed het Morrison and hid behind him.

"What the hell is going on!" Het Miz wanted to know. Maria opened her mouth to answer but her reply was cut off by a thunderous bang from upstairs. Jeff narrowed his eyes at her and drew the knife away from slash Morrisons' face.

"Maria, what's going on?"

"They're here!" She sobbed. "They're trying to get in!"

Het Miz and Morrison raced up the stairs and through the house finding het Matt already dragging a dresser to barricade the door that was starting to splinter. The two of them grabbed furniture and helped Matt in his efforts to keep whoever was on the other side of the door out. Matt sighed and wiped sweat from his brow, some of his dark curls frizzed out around his face. Morrison went to the window and peeked cautiously between the slats of the blinds. His eyes grew wide when he saw several slash musi on the porch and using Festus as a battering ram.

"They found out we have our slash selves!" Morrison chewed on his lip wondering what to do next.

Outside on the porch Shawn ordered Mark, Glen, Cody, and Ted to take Fesuts aka the battering ram to the back door and try there. Meanwhile he and Hunter were trying to come up with alternate ways to get into the house should the back door also be barricaded.

"Oh I know!" Slash Matt clapped in excitement when an idea came to him. His brother crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him wondering what stupidity he had came up with this time. "We can burn the house down!" He was answered with a slap in the back of his head from slash Jeff who glared daggers at him.

"NO!" The rest of the slash musi all shouted at once putting a damper on Matt's plan.

"Maybe we can find a window." Slash Randy suggested. Everyone looked around at the windows on the house and noticed that they were all barred. The musi exchanged confused glances wondering just _why_ the windows were all barred. As if sensing the questions Matt piped up again with explanation.

"Ya'll wanna know why the windows are barred? Well if the het musi are in some ways similar to us then het Matt is afraid that pirates will come through his windows and steal him away and make him their bitch cabin boy. But it's not all his fault. Jeff is afraid that robbers will come through the windows and steal his secret stash of dru--"

"Gummy bears." Jeff interrupted pinching his brother to make him shut up. "If het Jeff is anything like me then he's afraid people will steal his gummy bears."

The other slash musi just stared and a few shook their heads.

"Well what did ya'll think I had stashed away?" Jeff replied indignantly. "I'm takin' lessons from Punk on how to be straight edge." Several slash musi including Punk laughed. Jeff pouted.

"We're getting off track here." Shawn reminded everyone as he turned back to the notebook, raising eyebrows in surprise when he saw Hunters devious plan to get into the house. He lowered his voice and said to Hunter: "I didn't know you knew how to make bombs."

"I make bombs all the time. I plant them in Vince's office…but they never seem to work. I think Gremlins live in his office and they screw with my creations." Hunter scowled and shook his fist at the sky and shouted. "Damn Gremlins!"

"Wha?" Punk wondered looking at JBL for answers. He just shrugged.

"Never mind." Shawn said waving his hand in dismissal. "What about a basement window? Maybe we can find a basement window or…maybe…if we can get Rey to come over we can get him down the chimney. He's small."

At the back door Glen and Taker were arguing again. Ted and Cody taunted Festus while he stood idle on the steps with flies buzzing in and out of his gaping mouth.

Het Matt, Miz, and Morrison had already shoved the refrigerator in front of the back door so trying to break it down with the impact of Festus's skull was useless. They had also boarded all the basement windows so when the slash musi tried that route they found it also cut off. Hunter still thought his bomb idea was good but Matt argued that if he couldn't burn the house down then Hunter shouldn't be able to bomb the house down.

That's why slash Rey found Shawn Michaels calling his cell phone and interrupting his trip at the spa with Batista. They were supposed to be one of the search parties out looking for Miz and Morrison but when Batista saw a spa he got distracted and dragged Rey after him.

"Hola!" Rey answered his phone. "Wait…huh…I can't hear you…my exfoliating cucumber-melon cream is clogging the phone." He wiped his gooey phone on Dave's towel and tried again. "Ah, mi amigo Shawn Michaels! You found them? Oh no Dave and I didn't get distracted by anything…please believe me I take this mission to heart."

"Good then." Shawn said gruffly. "We need you here at the het Hardy's house. We need to get in and right now we're looking at sending you down the chimney."

Rey frowned. The thought of breaking into someones house via chimney was less appealing than staying here in the spa with Dave. They were already scheduled for pedicures later on and Rey hated to miss it. Dave had beautiful toes and slash Rey secretly lusted after them. But he had made a commitment to Shawn and his war against the het musi and everyone knows Rey Mysterio is a man of his word.

"Alright." Rey sighed. "I am on my way. Adios!"

Rey plucked the slices of cucumber away from the eyeholes of his mask, stole Dave's towel, and wiped the cream from his mask. He ran his fingers over it pleased.

"Hey Dave, feel my mask." Rey found Dave's hand and brought the fingertips to it.

"Ooh, soft as a baby's ass." Dave replied.

"Mi amigo es muy loco." Rey mumbled under his breath. "Who would touch a baby's ass? Please believe me, I wouldn't."

"Did you get them away?" Het Jeff barked as Matt came down the stairs looking frazzled.

"They're still outside but I don't see how else they can get in." Matt collapsed onto the bottom step and held his chin in his hand. "This is worse than pirates coming through the windows."

Jeff nodded his agreement.

"But what is even worse that pirates is going to be JoMo's face." Jeff leered and carved the letter 'J' into slash Morrisons' cheek as he cried. Slash Miz rambled on encouraging his lover to be strong.

"Shut him up!" Jeff bellowed as Miz yelled louder and louder distracting Jeff from carving his 'N' next to the 'J'.

"What am I supposed to do!" Matt griped storming over to his brother.

"Oh I don't know." Het Jeff spat sarcastically. "You had no trouble thinking of ways to try to kill me."

"It's just a storyline." Matt rolled his dark eyes.

"But we are musi, what is kayfabe to our _real_ selves is truth to us. Our lives take on whatever twists and turns the writers have for us. When they're not using us we can actually go about our own business, but that doesn't mean what they wrote with us goes away."

"I'm confused." Matt said scratching his head.

"Just get on with it!" Jeff snarled.

"So…what we're doing right now. Are we in a story or is this just us doing stuff in our free time?"

"Matt, quit trying to think. It's detrimental to your health."

"How?"

"Because I'm going to maim you!" Jeff hollered waving the bloody knife at his brother. Matt grumped as he searched for something to do to Miz. He found a small t.v. in the storage closet of the basement and dragged it out and blew dust from the screen. He plugged in it and flipped around until a smirk curved his lips.

"Perfect." Matt said leaving the t.v. in front of Miz. He found duct tape and taped his eyelids open so he was forced to watch the program Matt had selected.

"What is it?" Jeff asked curiously.

"Mary Poppins marathon."

Pleased, Jeff carved the last letter onto Morrisons' cheek leaving his initials in crimson: JNH. Jeff and Matt laughed as slash Miz and Morrisons' screams mingled together.

_**So will the slash musi get into the house? Will Taker and Kane ever stop arguing? Will Hunter get to build his bomb? Rofl. Will Rey ever get to have his fantasy with Dave's toes? Teehee. Review please and thanks!! Mucho love!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**You guys are lucky! Two updates of the same fic in one day! But my vacation got the musi in gear so they're working overtime. :) Thank you for the reviews and reading *hugs***_

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 6: The Rescue Part 2**

"Never fear, Mysterio is here!" Rey shouted as he ran through the het Hardy's yard followed by Kofi.

"And Kofi be here too mon." The Jamaican put in.

"Why is slash Kofi here?" Randy asked peering at the handsome, dark-skinned, man.

"Well please believe me, I don't mean to go against Shawn's plans. But I was thinking if there's a lot of people in la casa de Hardy then it might be good to have more than one person go down the chimney, and Kofi's thin enough to fit."

Shawn approved and he and Hunter boosted the luchador onto the Hardy's roof.

"Booyaka!" Rey shouted dancing happily on the roof.

"Okay, come on Kofi up we go." Said Shawn linking his hands with Hunters so Kofi could get a boost up.

"No mon, I got this." In one bound Kofi leaped upwards and landed on the very peak of the roof and leaned against the chimney looking down on his slash friends with a smirk.

"How did he do that?" Slash Matt asked in awe as he joined the others in peering up at Kofi.

"Be careful!" Shawn called to the both of them as Rey dangled his legs down into the chimney. Kofi nodded and flashed Shawn and the others a big grin. He peered down into the darkness of the chimney.

"You sure you con make it mon?"

"Si." Rey answered and shimmied down the chimney.

It was so dark and nasty that it was all Rey could do to keep from sneezing uncontrollably. He found himself wondering if this was how Hornswoggle got sooty marks on his face. Maybe he led a secret second life as a chimney crawler…whatever the hell that is.

"How you be doin' down there!" Kofi called. Rey looked up to see Kofi's face framed in the square of light that was the opening of the chimney.

"I'm okay…just trying to…" Rey stopped realizing something was blocking his way. He managed to move enough so he could reach down to see what it was and when he pulled on the object it came loose in his hands. He brought it to his face to see what it was in the darkness. It was a hat, but not just any hat. It was red and trimmed in white fur. Rey's eyes widened in alarm at what this must have meant. "Holy guacamole!"

Despite having the hat in hand he found his way still blocked and prodded the roadblock with his foot. There was a rustling sound and movement beneath him and Rey almost shrieked when a dirty blackened face turned up towards him with pleading blue eyes. Rey beheld the face—the cheeks had once been rosy and jolly, the nose had once been like a cherry by which the man would have laid his finger beside, and his beard had once been white as snow but was now stained grew and black.

"Sa-Santa?" Rey asked incredulously. "Hm….Feliz Navidad?"

"Ho-ho-help me!" The once jolly old elf cried dismally.

"But how…how long have you been in here?"

"I lost track of time. My watch took a lickin' and stopped its tickin'." Santa replied with a frown.

"But how do all the little niños—children—get their Christmas gifts if you've been stuck in the Hardy's chimney?"

Santa gave a good natured ho-ho laugh.

"Slash Santa has taken over for me."

Rey was at a loss for words. He had no idea that there was such a thing as a slash Santa. But finally he did think of a very good question to ask.

"So who is slash Santa's lover?"

"The Gingerbread man. They're like that." Het Santa said before grumbling. "Well if I could move my arms I would show you my fingers crossed to indicate that slash Santa and the Gingerbread man are close. Ha-ho!"

"Hm, the Gingerbread man?"

"Yes. Don't the gum-drop buttons give him away? I always thought he was kind of…" Santa cursed. "Damn it, well once again. If I could move my arms you would see my wrist flicking. Y'know…it's not very helpful to talk with your hands whilst wedged in a chimney."

Rey agreed with a nod of his head.

"Yo Rey mon, you be in the house yet?" Kofi called down once more. "Shawn be gettin' impatient and Huntah be wantin' to blow the place to hell. They be makin' me crazy!"

"We have a big problem amigo! Santa is stuck in the chimney!" Rey replied to Kofi who blinked back in disbelief.

"Shawn, the big man in red be caught in the chimney!" Kofi hollered down from the roof. Shawn furrowed his brows together in confusion.

"What? How did Kane get into the chimney?"

"Not Kane mon, Santa Claus!" Obviously they could not get into the house that way. Shawn rubbed at his chin in thought. "So what we be goin' to do nex'?"

"BOMB!" Hunter bellowed pumping his fist into the air in a wild celebration of victory.

"Wait, why can't we just use Sledgey?" Slash Jeff asked eyeing Hunter suspiciously. Hunter cast his eyes downwards in shame and poked at a stone with the toe of his shoe.

"Well erm…see…I had to pawn Sledgey."

"Not Sledgey!"

"Yep. It's a long story. Ask Shawn about it sometime." Hunter said glaring at his boyfriend. Shawn rolled his eyes.

"Just never mind about Sledgey. Hunt, we'll try your bomb." Shawn said to Hunter who immediately grabbed Randy and dragged the young man along with him to go to the store and get supplies.

"Where are we going?" Randy asked stumbling after Hunter. "Can you buy bomb-supplies at Wal-Mart?"

"No. We go to BOSS!" Hunter replied with a maniacal laugh.

"Boss? What's that?" Randy tried to figure out the acronym along with the reason Hunt had pulled him along.

"Bomb Outlet Super-Store." Hunter said with a 'tsk' and an eye roll. "Everyone knows that."

In the basement Jeff was having way too much fun carving up slash Morrison. He was sure that at any moment he was going to cave and give in to his despair and wish himself away. Slash Miz was no longer in any state of mind to keep up his encouragements to his chained and tormented lover. Miz rocked back and forth causing the chain on his arm that kept him bound to the water heater to jangle.

"Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down…the medicine go down. Justa spoon-sp-spoon full of su-sugar helps—heehee—the medicine…down…sugar…spoon. Spooner. Spooning…sugar." Miz mumbled under his breath in a not-so-sane sing-song voice.

"Oh Johnnie you look so horrible." Jeff teased grinning at John as he carved designs on his forehead. "Wanna see?"

"No!" Morrison sobbed. "Don't make me, please Jeff."

Jeff got the mirror and instructed Matt to hold John's eyes opened forcing him to look at his cut and marred reflection.

"Medicine go down…down…sugar." Miz sang again and again.

"Say it!" Jeff snarled. He grabbed Morrisons' chin and laughed as blood ran over his gripping fingers and John whimpered. "Say it." Jeff hissed.

"I…I…wish…"

"Just do it and it will all be over. Do you want it to be over?"

John started to nod his head in a 'yes' but his eyes were drawn away from Jeff's scowl and he remembered Miz. He kept his focus there watching as he babbled incoherently.

"If you let him go then I'll do it. I'll sacrifice myself for him."

"Oh, how touching." Jeff laughed bringing the blade of his knife to his lips and licking away some of the glimmering life. "Okay. I'll let him go." Jeff waved the knife around flinging droplets of blood. "Go free him Matthew."

"But--"

"Just do it." Jeff gave his brother a glance that they both understood without saying a word. It was a bluff. Once John 'sacrificed' himself they would do away with Miz anyway. Matt pulled a key from his pocket and unlocked the clasp around Miz's wrist and the lock that kept the chain bound to the water heater. He clicked off the t.v. as Dick Van Dyke danced with cartoon penguins. Miz blinked trying to get a bearing on where he was.

"You're free." Matt explained pulling Miz up by his armpits and putting him to his feet.

"I—I am?" He rubbed at the raw ring around his wrist. He took a few awkward steps then saw Morrison and what Jeff had done to him.

"Don't worry about him." Jeff sang prodding John in the chest with the knife tip. "Ya'll go on upstairs and your lover boy will be joining you shortly."

Miz took a moment but when Jeff pressed the knife harder into John's chest, blood trailed down his torso in a trickle, and Miz made his decision.

"Okay, okay, don't hurt him. I'm going. Just let me get my fedora."

"Fair enough." Said Jeff. Miz smirked as he bent to reach for his sequined hat but instead picked up the chain that had bound him. In one quick move, he wrapped it around Matt's neck, turning the tables on the het Hardys.

Kofi had since came down from the roof, although poor Rey was still stuck in the chimney with Santa. Everyone was bored waiting on Hunter and Randy to get back from the store. Shawn was pacing hoping they would not be too late to save Miz and Morrison. He racked his brain trying to think of any other way to get into the house.

"Maybe we should call Ken." Shawn finally said pulling out his phone.

"Why Ken?" Matt asked from the step where he sat letting Kofi do his hair in braids.

"I don't know. Something about Ken and Vaseline. I thought it might help." Shawn shrugged.

"No, that's in a story." Slash Jeff said pulling a bag of Skittles from his pocket and popping a few. "But he might still be helpful." Jeff climbed onto the porch banister and sat there swinging his feet. "He's really loud. Maybe he can y'know blow the house down, like the Big Bad Wolf."

Shawn called slash Ken who showed up moments later singing and wearing nothing but a lime green banana hammock. Shawn slapped his palm to his face wondering what the hell was going on, but decided it was better not to ask.

"Ken can you get us in?" Jeff asked pouring some Skittles into Ken's opened hand.

"Yes Ken can get you in just by the hair of my chinny-chin chin!" Ken announced rubbing his goatee. "I will huff, and puff, and I will KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENN...edy… Kennedy…your house down!"

Jeff fell to the ground from the impact of Ken's shout and shook his head trying to rid his ears of the ringing that was there now.

"I hope we never have to deal with slash Ken and het Ken in the same room." Matt said sticking his fingers in his ears.

"I wonder if het Ken be wearin' a banana hammock?" Kofi thought aloud.

"No, he wears shoe strings tied around his waist and nothing else." Slash Ken informed everyone while prodding Jeff for more Skittles.

"Why does he wear a frickin' shoe string?" Punk asked with a bored yawn as he wrapped his arms around JBL's waist and laid his head against his chest.

"Well damn!" Ken yelled grabbing Jeff's bag of Skittles from him and deafening the rainbow-haired warrior once again. "You wouldn't want a guy to go around naked!"

"Just get to it already!" Shawn groaned shoving Ken towards the door. The bleached blonde stretched, popped his knuckles, then started to shout at the door. The other slash musi stuffed their fingers into their ears and bolted across the street ducking behind someones hedges.

"Shit he's loud!" Punk yelled rubbing at his damaged ears.

"What ya'll say?" JBL bellowed. "Hit a clown?

"Did someone say 'clit town'?" Matt asked in a raised voice wrinkling his nose.

"Clinton, you mean like Bill Clinton?" Jeff popped his head up from the bushes and looked around. "If he's here then I wanna get a hit off him. I mean er…gummy bears."

"If Bill Clinton is here you want to get bit by his tummy hairs?" Punk shouted back raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Hey mon, why would you be wantin' to get hit by Bill Clinton's underwear?"

"Guys, just stop talking until we get our hearing back!" Shawn shouted.

"Did you say guys stop shocking Umaga's hairy back?"

Shawn decided to give up, and he really wished he would have just stayed in bed today.

_**Drumroll--Dun dun dun! I used a couple of references to things in here DK will know the one with Ken and the banana hammock lol. The other was the joke about Ken and Vaseline it was a reference to an ongoing joke in another some of the stories done by Taker-Took-My-Toys. If you haven't ever read any of this persons stuff I suggest you go to their profile and check it out it is reeeally funny. Thank you all for reading and hopefully commenting. There will be one more chapter of the slash musi and their adventure in trying to rescue Miz and Mor and then things will move on from there. Lol. Hope you likey. :D**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Much thanks to all of you! I'm finally getting to reconnect with my funny side, so here's a new chapter. I was laughing so hard while I wrote most of this. Especially the whole part with the limo and everything. OMG, rofl. Thank you guys for your reviews: TakerTakeMe, TVL, Takersdarklover, Animal Luvr 4 Life, Rainstar of LightningClan, shinigami sakura2000, Dark Kaneanite, and Esha Napoleon. Onwards we go, to annihilate Het musi!!**

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 7: The Rescue Part 3**

Shawn paced the yard tugging at his hair in frustration, as though his hair really needed to be thinned down anymore. Glaring at the strands filtering through his fingers he mentally cursed the het Hardy's and even more so he cursed slash Miz and Morrison. Once he got a hold of them they were going to be very, very, sorry. They were still unable to get into the house, even slash Kennedy's sonic-boom-like voice could not crack the door or jar a brick out of place. Ken was now moping in the arms of slash Jericho, he'd actually lost his voice trying to get his friends into the house. He was now having Jericho repeat everything for him.

"Kennedy don't--" slash Matt started but was interrupted by Jericho yelling.

"KENNEDY…hypocrite."

"Don't be upset that you couldn't get us in." Matt finished squeezing Ken's arm. The blond just frowned, his lips quivering.

"COULDN'T GET US IN…INNEDY!" Jericho bellowed. "Parasite!"

"Jericho, shut the hell up." Jeff retorted.

"Shut the hell up, UPPEDY!"

Slash Jeff had to hold his brother back from clocking Jericho, right then and there. Meanwhile, Shawn continued to mumble in his rising aggravation.

"How're we gonna get in now?" JBL asked playing with his Stetson.

"Why don't you think of something." Shawn barked at the taller man and flipped his phone open, hitting re-dial again and getting nothing but Hunter's annoying voicemail. Mark and Glen both smirked when Shawn slammed his cell to the ground and stomped on it. They had finally given up their arguing and came back to the front of the house with everyone else.

"What are you creeps looking at?" Shawn drew his lips into a tight, angry line, his eyes could have burned both men to ashes.

"Nothing, it's just--"

"I have an idea!" Layfield interrupted, slapping his knee in excitement.

"Oh, I know!" All heads turned at the feminine sounding Italian voice. It was slash Santino. "Why don't we-a open up a can of the ass whip!"

Everyone glared at him before his uni-brow trembled with sadness and he slinked off.

"As I was sayin' ya'll, I know how we can get into the goddern house!" JBL crossed his arms over his chest and grinned broadly.

"Well?" Shawn demanded impatiently.

"We can crash the Longhorn Limo through the picture window." John hung his cigar between his teeth and nodded, liking the idea more and more.

Miz tightened his hold on Matt, and the older Hardy passed out again. Miz was becoming more confused as to why het Matt wouldn't freakin' die already. Jeff stood still with the scalpel poised at the throat of Miz's partner, his green eyes transfixed with the scene before him as his brother was taken to the brink of death again and again but always came back. Jeff didn't even notice that Morrison's face was beginning to repair itself, the deep cuts he had made were drawing back together, the letters he had carved into Morrison's cheek were starting to fade leaving only scabs. Even the swelling from the angry bee stings had gone down to being barely noticeable.

"Quit…" Het Matt gasped as his eyes fluttered open again, fiery red from burst blood vessels. They flitted to Jeff and then to Miz as he felt the chain bite harder into his neck. He could feel the warmth of blood trickling down his chest; he knew the links were tearing into his flesh. "Lemme…go…" He coughed and sputtered for air.

"I'm not letting you go until Jeff let's Morrison go." Miz demanded, his face growing hard with his relentless request.

"I'm not letting pretty boy go!" Het Jeff shouted, blinking out of his daze. "I don't care how much you strangle Matt."

Matt stared at his little brother, shocked, but the look was fading as his eyes dropped and his head became dizzy again, colors exploded behind his eyes, his lungs ached with strain and depletion of life.

"Don't freak out Matthew. He obviously can't kill you." Jeff smirked. Matt's answer was a gargled reply, a trail of blood leaked from the corner of his lips.

"I'll pull these chains so tight his head will roll to your feet!" The chains grew tighter still and Matt saw the scene before him fade to black. His body slumped against the Miz.

"We can both play this game." Jeff gigglged madly. "I find it amusing." With a flick of his wrist he sliced a shallow cut, not deep enough to bleed him to death, into Morrison's neck. His eyes flashed at Miz with fear, begging his partner to do something to save him. Blood trickled down his chest and began to soak slowly into his jeans.

"Don't touch him!" Miz shouted pulling the binds around Matt's neck as hard as he could, the strenuous action eliciting an animalistic growl from him. Despite this, Matt's eyes slowly opened, proving he was still alive. "Damn it, are the freaking Hardy's immortal!"

"Let's see if your Johnnie is." Jeff drew the blade over flesh again, this time a little deeper. It was then that his eyes stopped, noticing for the first time that his initials were no more than scars on Morrison's cheek—and fading scars at that. "No!" Jeff howled.

"Um, John I don't think this is going to work either." Shawn stood back and regarded the three crumpled limos while rubbing at his stubble. The door to the third abused carcass opened with a plaintive creak and Layfield tumbled out staggering as though he were drunk, one hand holding his cigar. His hat toppled to the ground and his boot heel found it.

"One more time, I'll get ya'll in here! Wee-hah this is fun!" The Texan crowed as he held his head and sat down hard on the ground, laughing when he noticed his hat crushed in the mud.

"Damn, you'd think after ramming that window three times it would bust." Slash Jeff murmured studying the pane intently. "Not even a crack."

"Maybe the het Hardy's have bullet-proof glass in their house. We'll have to remember that Jeff. We need some for our house." Matt mused running his hand over the locks Kofi had done in his hair.

"It's not bullet proof." Mark laughed. "Just idiot proof." He pointed at Layfield who had got another limo—his black one—and was revving the engine like a madman.

"He's having way too much fun with this." Glen put in with a smirk. "I bet he's never even drove one of his own limo's before."

There was a squealing of tires and the smell of burning rubber as the sleek vehicle propelled forward. They could even hear JBL's banshee holler as he sped towards the window. Matt and Jeff scattered as the car sped towards the window they had been standing in front of. The next sound was worse than the screech of the driver, the wail of metal crunching as it met brick and the shattering of glass caused everyone on the lawn to cringe.

Almost afraid to look, Shawn opened one eye and cringed back again when he saw this fourth limo wrecked worse than the other three, the het Hardy's picture window still fully intact. The group of slash musi waited for JBL to fall out of the car again. Surely number four would have done enough damage to him to at least make him pass out for a while. After a few moments there was nothing, and some of them started to worry.

"Oh no, if Hunter and Punk come back and Punk finds out we let John become a martyr for our cause, he'll go ape-shit!"

"APE-SHITTEDY…washed up old has been!"

"Jericho, if you be sayin' another word mon, I'll--" Kofi stepped forward ready to shut the Canadian up for good but Shawn pushed him back.

"Guys, now is not the time. John might really be hurt…or even worse." Glen worried, chewing at his lips.

"Guys, we can't die remember?" Mark rolled his eyes. "There was that one time, not so long ago, when Hunter stabbed me!" Mark roared, his anger flaring at just the memory.

Just as Mark explained, two hands were seen at the roof of the limo followed by a head and shoulders.

"I'm okay…really I'm fine. Glad ya'll love me enough to check." JBL bit back sarcastically. He pulled himself up through the sun roof. "The doors are stuck, and there's no way for me to get to the back doors from up front." John explained as he struggled with the small space, getting hung up at his waist. The group could hear him muttering curses. Soon those curses were more than muttered, but shouted as loud as Ken might have been able to expel them if he hadn't lost his voice.

"FUCKEDY!" Jericho exclaimed. Mark saved Kofi or anyone else the trouble, and punched Jericho in the back of the head. The blond sank to the grass, momentarily unconscious.

"Would ya'll believe I'm fuckin' stuck in this goddern, mother--"

John stopped his bitching and tugging when he heard all the laughter. Even Shawn was rolling around on the lawn holding his sides. Obviously, it was amusing that JBL was stuck in his own sun roof.

"Okay guys, I'm back!" Hunter called as he ran across the lawn. He stopped short when he saw everyone in hysterics. When Punk saw the limos strewn around the yard as though it were an automotive graveyard, his eyes grew to saucers and he hurried over. When he saw John stuck in one of them he climbed up and started to help.

"Least you care enough not to laugh at me darlin'." John cooed as Punk tried in vain to help. The young man brought his serious gaze to JBL's.

"John, how many times do I have to tell you I'm straight-edge?"

"Well I know that, but what does that have to do with any of this?"

Punk rolled his eyes.

"Straight-edge people don't laugh." He deadpanned.

As Punk was trying to figure out a way to get JBL out of the limo, Hunter found Shawn and proudly showed him the bags of bombs he had bought at Bomb Depot or where ever it was he had went to. On the plastic bags were yellow Wal-Mart-like smiley faces with turbans on them.

"Look Shawn, I got the bombs!" Hunter exclaimed happily. "They even gave me a discount and a gift card for a free flying lesson…it's only one way though. That's weird." Hunter furrowed his brow as he inspected the card more carefully. "Wow! It says if I successfully complete the flying lesson, I'll get forty virgins!" Hunter cheered. Shawn snatched the card away from it.

"Hunter dear, you don't need forty virgins when you have me." Shawn stowed the card away for later shredding. What Hunty really needed was forty brain cells. "Let's get this thing going. We're taking way too long to get into the house. We've tried everything else and none of its working."

Soon Hunter was readying the bombs. He complained that JBL was cursing too loud and ruining his concentration and that he needed some dramatic music to set him in the mood for proper action. Jeff was the only one who had an I-pod on him and the only thing on it was an audio reciting of Shakespeare, so that had to do. Meanwhile Glen was using his spare tube of lube (which he always carried on him just incase the occasion arose for it…no pun intended) to get JBL out of the sun roof.

"Harder!" John demanded as Punk pulled on him. "You gotta yank harder!"

"Ha, I bet you hear that all the time Punkers." Glen snorted.

"Shut up and lube!" Punk shouted.

"Once again." Glen out right laughed as he squeezed more of the stuff out of the tube.

"Leave it to you to get stuck in a tight place." Punk growled at John as he took a moment to get a better grip and pull again.

"What can I say darlin'…_big_guys like me get stuck in tight places like you. I mean er—like sun roofs."

"John, can you not talk and just let me work here?" Phil instructed, and of course Glen snorted again.

"Hey guys!" Shawn called up to the threesome. "Is he coming?"

"Yeah, he's coming…it's just slow going. If I pull harder I think he'll come soon!" Phil called down. His faced burned bright red when everyone laughed at his reply, all of them taking it the wrong way.

"Well hurry it up!" Shawn called back. "Hunter's ready!"

"What does Hunter have to do with this?" John grunted as he slid out a little more.

"He's going to blow it up." Glen pointed to the house. "We tried everything to penetrate that damn place, Mark and I even tried the back door but we couldn't get in."

"Oh please, please help me." John stammered as Phil tugged on him harder. "Ow, ah—be careful!"

"What?" Glen wandered. JBL glared at him and Glen replayed his last sentence in his head about blowing, and penetrating, and back doors. "Oh…" Glen smiled sheepishly.

"What's he stuck on now?" Punk gasped as he fell back, tired from the hard work. "Is his belt buckle stuck? At this point I don't know what else could be…" Punk trailed off, he and Glen shared knowing glances.

"This is not the time to get horny Layfield!" Glen shouted. "Punk do something!"

"Me? I can't fit my hand between--"

"No not that!" Glen pulled a face. "Turn him off, surely there's something about you that turns him off. You have some annoying habit or something, just do it so we can get him out of here already!"

"Um…sorry I can't think of anything." Punk grinned. "I'm just one big turn on."

"What are you guys doing now!" Shawn appeared at the side of the limo, hands on his hips, glaring up at the three. Phil was beat red and Glen had a smart-assed grin on his face. John just looked like he was enjoying the whole situation a little too much.

"We're um…trying to turn him off." Glen giggled.

"Huh? Turn him…oh. You mean to tell me that's what's holding up the climax of our entry into the het Hardy's place?" Shawn rolled his eyes.

"Can ya'll quit talking so dirty it might help!" JBL half-heartedly yelled.

"Hey John, income taxes!" Shawn called out. "Recession, fore-closure, economic slump, depression-- "

"Okay, he's out now." Phil called down. "Good thinking Shawn. He's all about that economic crap. If the stock market's down, then John's down too…I really hate recessions." Phil scowled in thought as he helped John down from the limo. "But on the upside, recessions are good for building strength in the hands and wrists."

"Phil darlin', quit talking you're embarrassing yerself."

Punk immediately turned crimson.

"Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yup."

"Finally!" Hunter cried as the last wire was in place. "It is finished!" He placed the bomb carefully by the front door. Setting his finger on the detonator he was ready for the big bang. Just as the button was nearly pushed down, a small creature popped out of the bushes. "Damn trolls!" Hunter yelled. "Fucking Gremlins! They always steal my bombs! Well, not THIS time!"

"No wait, that's not a Gremlin!" Shawn tried to stop Hunter but it was too late. A booming fireball engulfed the het Hardy's home and bricks and pieces of furniture flew kamikaze over the lawn. "That was Hornswoggle!" Shawn finished with a tearful wail.

Hunter's mouth fell open in shock.

"Oh shit…what are we going to tell Finlay!"

**Did you LOL?? I got a bit carried away with the gutter humor with the whole JBL-stuck-in-the-limo thing. But…I had fun doing it…so I will remain devious whenever the notion hits me. Lol, JBL seems to be good for devious inspiration. Did I just say that? O.o…I did didn't I. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I realize for some reason I keep calling Taker and Kane "Taker and Kane" and "Mark and Glen". I don't know which one to stick with lol. I guess they're both…sometimes in musi world they're their gimmicks and sometimes they're themselves so I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm thinking to hard, it's just a silly fic. Anyway…thank you for your reviews: Darkaneanite, MagZ86, takers dark lover, shinigami sakura2000, Animal Luvr 4 Life, Esha Napoleon, and Mayhem. **

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 8: Finally Rescued…Sort Of**

Slash musi stormed the ruined remains of the het Hardy home. Jericho and Matt worked on getting Morrison out of his chains and cuffs and Shawn dragged slash Miz out of the house by his ear, berating him as Miz whined about losing his fedora somewhere.

Glen and Mark found het Matt unconscious, his face smeared with blood and debris from the explosion, an angry band of purple and black around his neck from where Miz had repeatedly choked him. Kane hoisted the older Hardy up by his armpits and tossed him over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and ascended the stairs with him. Meanwhile Taker searched for Jeff, and Kofi and Punk took het Miz and Morrison who were too dazed to fight back.

Hunter ran from corner to corner tossing things here and there frantically looking for any trace of Hornswoggle. He was sure Finlay would find him and severely torture him for destroying his son. Hunter overturned a mattress that was in the Hardy's basement and yelped when a large hand fell on his shoulder. He spun around to see Mark with his stern eyes on him.

"What!" Hunter whined. "Did you find Horny?"

Mark tilted his head from side to side in the negative.

"You're forgetting Hunter."

"Forgetting?" Hunter asked blinking up at the dark man. "What?"

"We can't die remember...you stabbed me."

Hunter smiled remembering the priceless moment, but after a moment his smile fell back to a frown.

"That was different. How do we know we could survive being blown into a bunch of ragged, bloody, pieces of flesh?"

"Well…" Taker thought about it. "I suppose—hey what—Hunter!"

Mark tried to get away from Hunter who had strapped something around his waist.

"Hunter what the fu--"

"Let's find out!" Hunter pulled a detonator from his pocket, his eyes sparkled manically.

"You son of a mother fu--" Mark lunged at Hunter but Hunter ducked behind the upturned mattress and pressed the button. Screams echoed through the basement at the explosion and bloody pieces and parts rained down. Jericho was knocked unconscious by the Undertakers gory boot.

"What in the goddern name of--" JBL stormed over to Hunter. "Ya'll better have another one of them to blow yerself to hell, because when Glen finds out what y'did to Taker he's gonna go all kindsa apeshit!"

Hunter bolted with a shriek up the stairs as pieces of Taker started to find each other, his hand walking on its fingers across the cement floor to find a few ribs, his boot lopping over to those three, joined soon by half of his face and an ass cheek. It was like watching some absurd sci-fi or horror flick.

Everyone else filtered out of the house and back onto the lawn. On the way out of the basement slash Jeff stepped on a severed finger and with a grimace tossed it into the general direction of Marks reassembling body.

"He's going to be really grumpy when he gets back together." Jeff mumbled under his breath as he fled the scene.

Most of the slash musi returned home, their rescue mission finally completed. Hunter was missing, on the run from both Finlay and Mark, if indeed if Mark did reassemble back to his normal self he would probably send Hunter to hell, or worse if possible.

Shawn dragged Miz home by the ear and Morrison was close behind, dragging his feet, his head slumped down like a dog with his tail between his legs. His face was only left with a few lingering scars from het Jeff's butcher job, his wrists were still a little sore from the cuffs, but he was sure Shawn had something equally as devious in mind. The older man had done nothing but rant and rave at them the whole way back to his house. Morrison couldn't quite bring himself to be annoyed at Miz anymore for getting them into this whole situation, after all, Miz had tried really hard to save John and spur him on when he wanted to give up.

When the three of them got back to Shawn's house Kane was already there. He had Matt locked in closet and he was still unconscious. The big bald man sat in the middle of the floor scribbling into a notebook, his lips parting in a joyous smirk as his mind spun ideas for what he could do to het Matt in order to get rid of him. Shawn passed him and left him to his own devices and dragged Miz and Morrison downstairs.

"What were you thinking!" Shawn barked as he tossed Miz down the stairs. Morrison cowered behind him and Shawn urged him forward with a small shove that caused him to stumble the rest of the way down the steps.

"I wasn't thinking Shawn please don't hurt me!" Miz wailed. "There was a bush, and a bee, and stinging, and our het selves!" He babbled pawing at Shawn's feet.

"We'll see." Shawn barked with a chuckle. He pointed to the couch and dutifully the two offenders sat, gazing up at him with sad, puppy eyes. "For now this will do." Shawn turned to a radio and pressed a button which opened a CD tray. He picked up a case form beside it and slid something in. He cranked the volume as loud as it would go and then ran up the stairs right before Jillian's voice shrilled from the speakers like the loudest case of nails on a chalk board ever. Slash Miz and Morrison screamed, but they just sounded like they were singing along.

"So, now that that's taken care of." Shawn sat down next to Glen and the big man held up the plans proudly, laughing lowly and eerie as Shawn's smile grew wider and wider. "This is a great plan." Shawn clapped Glen on the back.

"I remembered our Matt saying how he was afraid of pirates breaking into his house. I figured het Matty is too. There's one way to find out." Kane rubbed his hands together in anticipation and left Shawn with the notebook. "Where would I buy pirate accessories?"

"Try Wal-Maaaaart." Shawn suggested and pushed a few papers around on his coffee table until he found a glossy page. He tossed the coupons in Glen's lap.

"Wal-Maaaaart, 40% off of fake beards, 50% off of hooks, peg-legs, and patches. Wow, parrots buy one get one free. I wonder if they talk already or if you have to train them?" Glen shrugged and pocketed the coupons. He would have to get Mark to go with him to pick out some things. He furrowed his brow, realizing he hadn't seen Mark come out of the Hardy's basement. With a shrug he left, deciding not to waste time and just go to Wal-Maaaaart on his own.

"Aaaaaaar welcome to Wal-Maaaaart. Get yer booty and walk the plank!" A young woman greeted Glen at the door. Glen rolled his eyes.

"I know you." He poked a finger at her. "You're that one writer, Dark…something."

"Kaneanite." She smiled. "Aaaaar."

"This is our world, how do you?" Glen scratched at his bald head, confused. "How are you hear?"

"I don't know. I had some Tylenol with Codine…and here I am." She giggled. "I am a Wal-Maaaaart greeter and I am here to serve you." She smirked eyeing Glen up and down. "In anyway you desire."

"I'm busy. I might bug you later." He waved a hand at her in dismissal and she frowned, crossing her arms over her skull and crossbones Wal-Maaaaart vest.

Glen ravaged the store throwing red, black, and blue beards into his cart. He grabbed peg legs and hooks, hats and patches, parrots and undead monkeys, swords, belts, booty, treasure chests, guns, jewels, maps to lost islands and secret coves, talk like a pirate cassette tapes, skull flags, gangplanks, and rum.

He happily paid for everything with slash Jericho's credit card which he had lifted some time ago. With a little chuckle he shoved the plastic back into his pocket and dragged his bags out to the car, winking at the scowling greeter on the way out.

"Um, Glen, I think you went a little overboard." Shawn said as Glen littered Shawn's kitchen table with pirate accessories. "A lot overboard." Shawn corrected. "I mean, if you plan on blindfolding Hardy why is any of this necessary anyway? He wont see you."

"Oh come on and quit being an old man!" Kane growled. "Have some fun!" He snatched a blue beard from the table and put it on.

"Aw, look Glen, you have hair again." Shawn teased.

"Here." Glen barked shoving a three-cornered hat onto Shawn's head. "You wouldn't want to burn your bald spot when we're out on JBL's yacht."

Shawn frowned at Glen, but then smiled.

"Touché."

Both men turned when they heard a scratching and pounding. Glen quickly rushed to the closet thinking het Matt had somehow gotten his hands untied. He opened the door to find Matt still tied up and blind folded. Shawn sauntered into the room laughing.

"What was it?" Kane asked after shutting the door.

"Miz and Morrison. They're at the basement door begging me to make it stop…should I?" Shawn quirked an eyebrow at Glen.

"Hell no. Let the torture continue." Glen laughed eerily and Shawn high-fived him.

"Let's get Matt."

"Hey I wanna come!" A familiar whiney voice made Shawn and Glen turn. They saw slash Adam stepping in through the sliding glass doors. He was wearing some pink spandex pants with a black studded belt and a neon green fishnet shirt. He looked like a gangly, some how sexy, watermelon.

"Come where?" Glen growled furrowing his brows.

"I heard what you're doing to Matt. I wanna come." He danced around the room happily. "I can be the pirate wench!" He grabbed a sword and waved it around.

"Hey, give me that Copeland!" Shawn demanded. Adam reluctantly handed it over, pouting like a child who got his toy taken away. "You'll poke your eye out." Shawn mumbled under his breath.

"That's what the patches are for." Adam punctuated his reasoning with an immature gesture, poking his tongue out at Shawn.

"Come on then Copeland." Glen said tossing him a ragged looking dress.

"Why did you buy a pirate dress anyway?" Shawn asked as the three of them headed out the door, Matt tossed over Glen's shoulder.

"I was going to try to get you to wear it." Glen ribbed Shawn. "But I think Adam looks better in it anyways."

Shawn stepped on Glen's toe with his peg leg causing him to yowl in pain.

"Aw boys, don't fight." Adam sang prettily spinning around in his wench-dress and batting his lashes. "Do I look saucy?"

_**Glen/Kane tried to hijack this chapter. Lol. Well, I guess Shawn needs a break once in a while from all the planning and plotting, and it is one of Kane's greater skills, so it works. And guys, I have an important question for all of youl…Do I look saucy? Lol ;) Oh, and watch out for 9. It will be up later tonight, I promise!  
**_


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. :) Here's moar for yuzall! It's shortish.  
**

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 9: Walk The Plank**

Shawn, Glen, Adam, JBL, Punk, and a whimpering slash Matt were all on JBL's yacht in the middle of the lake. They'd all put on pirate gear even though Matt couldn't see them—Glen insisted on it. They disguised their voices by talking like pirates and they had poor Matt crying in fear. He was convinced that pirates had bombed he and Jeff's house and captured them both. According to JBL, or "Captain Justa Bootylover" they had already fed his brother Jeff to the sharks.

"CM Patch!" Captain J. Bootylover hollered. "Bring here me rum, aaaaar."

"There be a restriction on rum Cap'n." CM Patch growled, tossing the bottle overboard. JBL scowled.

"Dirty scallywag! I oughta keelhaul yer aaaaaaarse." He bellowed, clopping towards Patch, his peg leg clacking awkwardly.

"Aye, I'm sure ye will later Cap'n sir." CM Patch smirked. "Ye be a cruel Cap'n."

"Cap'n sir I think it be time we did away with this land-lubber and toss his raunchy aaaaarse to the shaaaaaaarks." Big Redbeard The Monster laughed darkly and the parrot on his shoulder squawked.

"Bwak! Walk the plank, squawk!"

"No, God please no!" Het Hardy wailed. "I'm sorry I don't know what I did, just please let me go! Don't throw me to the sharks, I'll dedicate myself to servitude on you great ship, I'll, I'll…I'll swab the decks and…and…please oh please!"

"Nay, matie we shan't be lettin' you go." Shawn who had the pirate name "Blackheart Kidd" knelt next to Matt and almost laughed as he saw tears leak out from under the blindfold. Blackheart Kidd ran the cold steel of his hook hand tracing the curve of Matt's jaw line.

"Oh please! Fuck please no!" Matt screamed wiggling and trying to cower away.

"Oh, don't worry yer pretty little head poppet, ye ain't goin' to be shark bait." Blackheart chuckled. "Oh no ye shan't be that."

"Wha—what are you going to do with me?" Matt sniffled.

"We be feedin' ye to…Hydrypso." Glen improvised. Shawn raised an eyebrow at Glen, but the bald man just went on, stroking his fake red beard and getting caught up in the whole thing. "Aye, Hydrypso. She be the most feeeeerocious beast the sea did ever birth from her loins. Rows and rows of raaaazor sharp fangs, she has." Glen dramatized. "Her breath be like the pungent stench of a million rottin' corpses, aye."

_He's been watching too much 'Pirates of the Caribbean' Shawn thought with an eye roll. _At least it was working though, Matt was shivering and sobbing, babbling non-coherent pleas for his life.

"She'll swaller ye down and ye be naught but bones in her belly. Not a wretched soul will ever know what become of ye." Big Redbeard The Monster yanked Matt to his feet and shoved him forward. He stumbled with a yelp and nearly fell down but CM Patch caught him under the arms and led him forward.

Het Matt's heart raced against his rib cage. His knees turned watery as he felt hands on him shoving him forwards. Nightmarish dreamscapes leapt up in his mind and captured his consciousness with gruesome imagery, involving himself, a demonic sea creature, and a brutal and untimely death. He stepped backwards trying to shove the pirate who had him in his grips, CM Patch.

"Get offa me mate!" The Captian shouted and grabbed Matt with big hands around his shoulders. There was a metallic 'schwing' of metal and Matt imagined one of the pirates unsheathing his blade which had probably seen many bloody, victorious, battles. He jumped with a yelp when the point prodded him in the back.

"Forward ye go." The voice he had come to recognize as Blackheart snarled against his ear. "To the abyss, aye."

"To they abyss!" The other voices chimed in.

"Walk the plank, awk!" One of them shouted. The parrot echoed the dreaded words.

"To the locker with ye scurvy dog!" A feminine sounding voice piped up. "Time to settle ye debts. To the depths!"

"To the depths!"

The sword tip bit at Matt's back urging him onwards. He sobbed and struggled to breath against the panic that was overtaking him.

"No, no!" He wailed, but the pirates just laughed and cat-called.

Matt felt his footing becoming more unsure, he could tell he was being pushed out onto a plank. He froze still, unable to go further.

"Move it bilge rat! Aaaar!" He recognized the sneer of Big Redbeard The Monster and started to tremble harder. He was shoved forward and nearly died of fright when he almost lost his balance. He could feel the plank wobbling beneath his feet. "Can ye hear the churn of the dark sea? She be comin' fer ye, Hydrypso, she be comin' to grind yer bones and swaller ye down!"

"No!" Matt screamed. Redbeard shoved him onwards and his foot flew out over the edge, onto nothingness. Time seemed to stand still as Matt realized this was it. He want to wave his arms out for balance but they were tied tight with rope. He fell to the side and cried out with a shriek, with all his being wishing he was never, ever, brought into being. Just before he hit the water, Matt vanished.

The 'pirates' whooped and cheered, the parrot even joined in with a victorious warble.

"That was great." JBL laughed as he clapped Kane on the back.

"Oh, so fun!" Adam giggled like a giddy little girl and draped himself over Phil.

"I hope you don't mind that we nailed a plank to the end of your yacht." Glen asked JBL, who just shrugged.

"I have more."

"You have more?" Adam's mouth dropped open in shock. "How many…like…a whole fleet?"

"A whole fuckin' armada baby." JBL grinned, pulling Adam away from his Punk. "Here, buy yourself whatever your saucy little wench heart desires." John pulled a few bills from his wallet and shoved them down the front of Adam's dress.

"Well, one down." Shawn said pulling the hook from his hand and wiggling his cramped fingers. "I wonder what's taking Mark so long with Jeff?" He asked running a hand through his hair.

"Oh…" JBL bit his lip. "There was a little problem with Taker and Hunt."

"A problem?" Shawn asked squinting around at the men on JBL's yacht. They all went quiet, Phil scuffled his boot on the deck and Adam whistled innocently.

"Did something happen to Mark?" Glen asked becoming just as suspicious as Shawn.

"Hunter sorta…blew him up." JBL admitted. "Last I seen him, he was in little pieces all over the basement."

"He WHAT!" Kane bellowed, disturbing a bird that had been watching from the canopy on JBL's yacht. "If anyone is going to blow up my brother and get away with it, it SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"

_**Heehee. WWE Pirates…poor Matteh. But he was a het musi so he had to go. Hm…het Miz and Morrison still have to be done away with, and where's Jeff? Is slash Taker dead? Who had the best pirate name? *gives everyone eye patches***_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Basically the only thing I have to say about this chapter, other than my thanks, is that it is really crack…but I'm sure you all know that already. Oh, and Morrison decided to be really creepy in this one, rofl Mor. Oh yeah, and the thing with Taker is credited to Souless666 who had the idea in one of her reviews, and I thought it was too golden to pass up, but the concept was her idea. K now the thanks, then I'm done babbling. Thank you guys so much: SkyeEyes16, Dark Kaneanite, Esha Napoleon, DX-Dynamite, shinigami sakura2000, Souless666, Takers dark lover, Animal Luvr 4 Life, and Mayhem. **_

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 10: Coming Home Was Never So Crazy**

_At the top of the hill was a small figure, hunched against the wind that picked up, signaling the incoming storm clouds. The stained tail of the cloth wrapped around his hand fluttered against the sticky breeze, and his rainbow hair ruffled gently around his shoulders. _

"_I can't believe they hurt you baby." Maria whined as she took his hand gently and kissed it._

"_Hurt me? They can't hurt me." The man smirked and uncoiled the bandage, revealing his had equipped with five normal looking fingers. Maria clapped her hands and jumped for joy. When he'd came to her house to hide out, after living in a cave for a few days, he'd only had four fingers, and he explained that somehow Hunter was responsible for that…something about an explosion. _

_He had hoped for a nice homecoming, but ending up at Maria's house wasn't as nice as he thought it would be. He tried to go to Maryse, but het Jericho and Morrison were both with her and the three of them couldn't stop fighting over who was hotter. So, he'd been left with going to the home of the girl he was paired up with regularly._

"_You found your finger and put it back on?" Maria asked, smiling in the darkness and hugging him. He shrugged her away coldly._

"_No, I didn't find it. I haven't been back to the house since they made it into rubble. That's not the point, it grew back. We're musi and we can't physically be killed or maimed…it rights itself. I just learned that recently."_

"_OH…then I should apologize to Torrie." Maria said quietly nibbling at her fingernails._

"_Huh?" The man in the darkness momentarily turned his gaze away from the slash town below, a few yellow lights still winked from the windows. He raised an eyebrow at her, his tiger-like eyes flashing._

"_She told me that she got pissed at Cena for sleeping with Melina…or was it Trish? I don't know but anyway, she um…said that she lopped off his balls."_

"_What?" Came a chuckled reply._

"_Yeah but she said a couple days later he was walking around the house nude flaunting his balls at her, which, he wasn't supposed to have because she chopped them off. I told her she was batty and I didn't believe her." Maria finished._

"_I see…next time Maria, keep John's nuts to yourself." He growled, curling his lip in disgust._

"_What?"_

"_Never mind." He rolled his eyes. Sometimes he forgot that she was there to fuck with, not for intelligent conversation. _

"_So baby why did you bring me out here?" She latched onto his arm, and he sighed._

"_You followed me." He barked. "Anyway, I'm plotting, or trying to."_

"_Plotting what Jeffy?"_

_In the darkness, she saw the moonlight capture his smirk and the glimmer in his eyes._

"_The deaths of the slash musi." Jeff tossed his head back at the moon, like the trickster coyote and laughed, an eerie sound in the dead of the night._

Hunter wiggled the doorknob, hoping Shawn had somehow forgotten to lock up, but no luck. Hunt was always the one forgetting to do that, never Shawn.

"Damn it." He cursed under his breath. He was hoping to get into the house without waking his sleeping lover inside. He'd been hiding out in the woods for about a week and really wanted to come home, if not just to shower. When he'd raised his arms to stretch this morning, a bird and two squirrels fell dead from the tree he was curled up against. He figured that was a sign he needed to swab out the pits. Now, it was just a matter of getting into the house. Hadn't something like this happened before? Hunter pulled on the hair of the full beard that was growing on his jaw. Oh yeah, that was at the het Hardy's…and they got in there with a bomb.

Hunter thought briefly about running to the store to buy some explosive material, but if he went there looking like he did, they might mistake him for a terrorist. Plus, blowing up a house is what got him into the trouble he was in to begin with.

"Oh, wait." Hunter mumbled, fishing through his pockets. He pulled out a key ring and face-palmed himself. Of course, he had a key to the house.

Soon enough Hunter was inside and trying his best to tip-toe through the place without waking Shawn. It wasn't meant to be, as he ran into something in the darkness and banged his shin. He grabbed it immediately and hopped around on one foot, and he managed to bite back his curses…that was until he fell into Shawn's valued art piece. It looked like a giant vagina sculpture and Hunter had always wondered why Shawn had been attracted to it, since he obviously wasn't attracted to the female anatomy. With a cry Hunter toppled backwards and upstairs Shawn sat up in bed at a loud crash. He fumbled for the lamp, and once it was on he sat there for a moment, wondering if he'd just imagined the sound.

Just in case, he grabbed the shovel that was next to his bed and crept to his door, ready to whack whoever might enter. Shawn pressed himself against the wall in wait. Soon, the door flung open and Shawn jumped out of his hiding place, his eyes going wide when he saw a big, scary looking man, with a hobo-beard.

"Burglarizing Mountain Maaaan!" Shawn yelled and swung the shovel, connecting it with a solid 'thunk' to the intruders head.

"Ow, Shawn!" The intruder yelped, and Shawn rained more blows with the shovel on his head and shoulders. "SHAWN IT'S ME HUNTER!"

Shawn landed one more thump to the head then dropped the shovel wearily.

"Huh?" He squinted in the dimness of the room, and immediately recognized the nose. There was no mistaking that honker. "Oh, Hunter!" Shawn flung himself at the bigger man, ready to wrap him in a hug, but then stumbled back. "Ick, ew, God, you are pungent!"

Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Nice homecoming welcome I get." He muttered, heading for the master bathroom.

"Hey!" Shawn yelled after him. "You deserve that beating I just gave you, I know what you did to Mark!"

Hunter poked his head out of the bathroom, looking guilty.

"Um…well…okay yeah I blew up Taker." He admitted. "Hey, why the hell do you have a shovel in the bedroom anyway?" Hunt narrowed his eyes at Shawn suspiciously.

"Oh, it was for het Big Show." He shrugged. He saw the confused look on Hunt's face so he went on to explain. "Well, some of us have been where we are supposed to be, working to further our cause. Anyway, Jericho, Christian, Evan, and Kozlov, and I, all got het Show tonight. The shovel was for burying him in the grave Jericho dug. God, did he bitch about that. Y'know Chris, he really doesn't like to get his pretty little hands dirty. See, if you hadn't blown up Undie, then we could have had an expertly dug grave but noooo…" Shawn wagged his finger at Hunter who dropped his eyes to the floor for a few moments, then quickly flicked them up.

"Wait, you buried Show? That had to be a big ass hole." Hunter tilted his head to the side. "No pun intended but heh, that was pretty _punny_ wasn't it?" He grinned at Shawn.

"Funny like a toothache. Anyway, we lured Big Show to the graveyard then knocked him into the grave and started to bury him alive. He freaked the hell out, a big guy like him, is terrified of tight places. He went 'poof' away, and thus, we rid ourselves of another het muse." Shawn finished.

"Great, but…how did you lure him there and how did you push BIG SHOW into the grave?"

"We lured him with a trail of cookies. Easy peasy." Shawn smirked. "And Kozzy got him actually in the grave, that guy can take anyone down. I think he might be a Terminator."

"Kay. Well, I'm going to go shower." Hunter raised his arm as evidence that he REALLY needed some soap under there, and Shawn's eyes rolled back, and he passed out on the floor.

"Gotcha." Hunter laughed manically.

Later

Hunter grumbled as Shawn stood up at the top of the stairs and tossed a pillow at him, followed by a blanket.

"But I just got home from sleeping in the damn woods and I don't want to sleep in the basement with Miz and Morrison! They never sleep anyway they just drink Amp and fuck all night!" Hunter whined. "Please don't expose me to that!"

"That is for nearly committing homicide with your stench!" Shawn huffed, turning back and sauntering to their room with a yawn.

"Wouldn't that be HOMOcide Shawn? Heh, I'm on a roll." Hunter laughed as he gathered the pillow and blanket and reluctantly went to the basement.

"Miz, Miiiiiiiz!"

Hunter heard Morrison calling the Mizzies name as he made his way carefully down the basement stairs, picking his way through the empty Amp, Rock Star, and Red Bull cans.

"Guys shut up with the loud sex, I'm coming down here to sleep, and expect to sleep." Hunter growled as he reached the last step and tripped over blue, glittery, vibrator. "Ew."

Morrison came running over to Hunter, in a velvet thong none-the-less, and looking panicked.

"HE OVERDOSSED!" Morrison wailed, grabbing Hunter's shoulders and shaking them.

"On what?" Hunter rolled his eyes and followed John to a corner where Miz rocked back and forth rambling incoherently.

"Um…20 Amps, 12 Red Bulls, 7 or maybe 8 Rock Stars, a liter of Mountain Dew, a bag of sugar, and half a bottle of Viagra."

"Damn." Was all Hunter could say. "Well good luck." He yawned and stretched out on Miz and Morrison's bed, then thought better of it, and laid on the floor.

"Why does he have Viagra?" Hunter mused, chuckling. "And guys, you really should pick up your sex toys too. I almost tripped over that Jericho looking mechanical dick thing that you have."

"Heh, well as for the Viagra, it's Shawns. I stole it." John tried to get Miz to come over to the bed, and the wide-eyed guy just started to shriek.

"Shawn does not have Viagra!" Hunter defended. "I would know!"

"Obviously not." Morrison said, shushing Miz and wiping his sweaty face.

"Then why'd you steal it, you don't want us having sex?" Hunter whined.

"I um…uh…I like stealing…_really_ like stealing other peoples sex toys and sex related things." Morrison blushed, fumbling over his words. "That's why that vibrator is very Jericho, it was his. I have one of Addy's too. It has BATISTA written on it in Sharpie. The velvet thong I have on was Jericho's too. It still smells like him."

"More shit I really don't need to know." Hunter mumbled as he rolled over and closed his eyes, hoping to get some sleep without having nightmares about dildos.

Just as Hunter drifted off to sleep, there was a commotion upstairs and he woke up. Miz rushed back to his corner, screaming and scratching at his face. John was up immediately trying to calm him again.

Furious, Hunter stormed upstairs but stopped short when he saw a tall, dark, shape lurking in the kitchen. He found the light switch and the room was flooded with illumination. He heaved a sigh of relief, it was only Mark, although, he did look different.

"Hunter, you son-of-a-bitch!" He growled, stepping forward in a way that was somehow not as threatening as it should have been. "I'm going to kill you for fucking blowing me up—oh hey do you have Skittles in the house?" Taker veered away from Hunter, suddenly distracted, and began to pull things out of the cabinets.

"What the hell?" Hunter muttered as he watched. The more he watched, the more he realized what was wrong with Mark. He was…Jeff-like. He was wearing leather pants that said 'Deadman' down the side of the leg, which was pretty typical, but up top he wore a black mesh shirt, on one arm he had a neon pink arm sock, and his nails seemed to be glowing in the dark, painted. Hunter clapped a hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh.

"What are you laughing at?" Taker griped as he pulled more things out of the cabinets. He swept back a few pieces of hair that was falling out of the girly little bun he had it in.

"You." Hunter slipped, before he could stop his mouth. "What the hell is this?" He couldn't hold back anymore and doubled over with giggles.

"Well H, it seems like some dumbass blew me up. I've spent the whole week reassembling and getting back to normal—or I thought normal." Taker held up his left hand, it had six fingers. "Seems like I got het Jeff's pinky finger in the process. It's like a really bad version of "The Fly". I guess our DNA mixed and now I'm…Underhardy, The Lord of Skittles."

Hunter fell to the floor, clutching his sides, laughing and crying.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Underhardy yelled, slamming his fist on the kitchen table.

"IT SO FUCKING IS!" Hunter sobbed.

_**Lol, I just got the image of Underhardy eating Skittles from his urn. I might have to stick that in here sometime. XD **_


	11. Chapter 11

_**It's been a couple months since I update this because I just could not get into a crack mood. Well, I'm glad I got back to it finally! I hope some of your are still reading this. Thank you to everyone who reviewed last. I hope you enjoy this. Some of the things in here were inspired from my wild and crazy friends. Lol. **_

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 11: The Chickens Are In My Pants**

"Now listen here." Shawn growled. He had been watching Hunter and Underhardy Lord of Skittles arguing with each other for far too long and he was highly annoyed. The small blond wedged himself between the two larger men and shoved them apart, both of them still hurling stupid insults and threats. Underhardy threatened to tombstone Triple H from a thirty foot ladder. Now that would not be a good thing, at all. "I'm tired of you two fighting!" Shawn barked. "We all keep getting way too distracted. Don't you idiots remember that we have a job to do? We have a mission!"

Shawns' blue fiery gaze bore into each man in turn, and they both dropped their heads in shame.

"Now, make up." Shawn demanded, scooting out of the way and watching as the two of them stalled. "Sometime before the _rest_ of my hair falls out please?" Shawn rolled his eyes.

"We better hurry up then." Mark smirked.

"HEY!" Shawn waged a finger at him, glaring.

"Fine." Underhardy sighed, pushing some of his colorful hair out of his face. "Triple Asshole, I'm sorry for fighting with you. Kind of. Not…really."

The Enigmatic Phenom offered his hand reluctantly and just as begrudgingly Hunter took it shaking it with the enthusiasm of slash Cody Rhodes in a female strip club, because clearly, slash Cody would be highly confused at the numerous boobs wagging around the place.

"Alright you genetic freak of nature. I'm sorry too for um, fighting."

"And?" Underhardy shouted.

"I'm sorry for blowing you up and therefore causing you to get mutated with Jeffs' DNA from his pinky finger. "From the bottom of my heart, Markfro—I'm sorry."

"Markfro?" Underhardy and Shawn both asked both raising their brows with the question.

"Yeah." Hunter shrugged. "Mark and Jeffro…Markfro."

Underhardys' expression clearly morphed into that of a pissed off Undertaker.

"Do not call me Markfro, or I will shove you in a coffin and then Swanton your ass, and THEN my brother will burn you alive!" Underhardy bellowed.

"Wait, whose going to burn me alive Kane or Matt…cause you know--"

"Enough!" Shawn hollered. "We need to get to work. We have a big abduction lined up for today." Shawn pulled out a small notebook from his back pocket and flipped through it. "Het Triple H, Steph-O-Mac, and Jericho."

"Ew!" Triple H shuddered, feeling creepy crawly all over. "Stephanie is so fucking gross. I don't know how my het-self can bed that. Ugh!"

Shawn sympathized, patting his partners shoulder.

"It's okay Tripsy, we'll take care of all three of them. The only thing worse than Stephanie and Hunter is Stephanie and Jericho. I wanna slap a kitten every time I see that pairing."

"Well, lets stop talking and get going then." Underhardy growled. "Oh, wait guys. Lemme go put my face paint on first. I have to look presentable ya know." Underhardy bounded away and locked himself in the bathroom. Shawn grumbled and sank down onto the couch.

"Why do I get blamed for everything, why?" Hunter started in, turning his face towards Shawn, the saddest puppy dog look in his eyes.

"Hunt, that's a very easy question to answer." Shawn patted his knee. "Because EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT!"

Triple H fell quiet and leaned back against the couch cushions.

*******

"Hey!" Slash Chris Jericho ran down the street dragging Christian behind him. "There they are!" He panted, finally catching up to slash Shawn, H, and…what looked to be a very large, pissed-off looking version of Jeff. Chris stopped and blinked.

"What are you lookin' at Canada?" Underhardy growled to Chris, who shrank back into Christian.

"I wasn't looking at anything. It was Christian!" Chris shoved the younger blond forwards as he protested.

"What do you two want?" Hunter asked as Shawn tried to shush them all.

"I heard you guys were hunting down my het-self and I wanna see!" Chris hopped up and down excitedly. "I don't like that guy. He's a real assclown." He added, his face puckering into a displeased scowl.

"Guys, quiet!" Shawn waved his hand trying once again to shush them.

"Jericho, take Christian and go home. We don't need you messing up our plans." Underhardy put in. Chris frowned.

"I'm not the one that's trying to impersonate Jeff Hardy, and doing a very poor job of it." Chris snorted.

Underhardy took one huge step forward and leaned over Chris, his dark shadow falling over the blond man.

"Guys! No more fighting!" Shawn was once again between Underhardy and someone else. "Listen Chris, don't piss him off. He's in a bad mood because he got blown up, remember? Well, Jeffs' finger became involved and now Mark is part Jeff."

"Huh? Jeffs' finger became involved…what?" Christian blinked, confused.

"Just go with it." Hunter advised.

"You two can hang around if you be quiet. We're stalking here. We need silence." Shawn ducked down behind a bush and watched the house they were nearest too.

"Stalking huh? You should call up the TNA musi and ask for Angle." Christian put in. Chris stepped on his toe.

The five of them hid away behind a row of shrubs and watched the house for what seemed like hours. Underhardy had his urn stashed under his arm as usual and started to pop candy into his mouth—he'd started to full his urn full of Skittles as a habit. Jericho whined because he couldn't have any, and Underhardy threatened to make slash Jericho a human—well a muse—sacrifice on a flaming Hardy Boyz symbol. Chris pouted and Christian petted him offering to buy him as much candy as he wanted later.

"You know Jericho, I thought you were with Matt now." Hunter whispered.

"Sometimes. I'm with Christian this week." He answered, attempting to be sneaky and steal some of Underhardys' Skittles.

"You're going to get yourself maimed!" Christian hissed, knocking Chris' hand away before his fingertips could crawl over the lip of the urn.

"Gee Chris. You were with Matt, and now you're with Christian 'this week'?" HHH shook his head. "You're a whore!"

"Hey! I'm not Cody Rhodes!" Chris defended, his voice rising in pitch. "I just like variety!"

It was Christians' turn to frown now, not really pleased with Chris' remark.

"What is this Chris, Baskin Robbins?"

"Ice cream!" Chris whipped his head from side to side looking all around. "Where!"

Hunter laughed.

"You don't need any, Chubby." Triple H reached over and patted Chris' belly, earning a hateful sneer.

"At least when I eat it doesn't all go to my nose!" Chris shouted. "That thing is so huge it has fuckin' love handles!"

"JERICHO!"

"Shut up!" Shawn called.

For a while, the group was silent again. But it didn't take long for boredom to set in once more. Chris was in Christians' lap making out with him and Christian was groping at his moobs and ass as Underhardy watched with an unsure expression, partially intrigue and partially disgust.

"Whats' wrong?" Shawn asked, noticing Underhardy with tears in his eyes.

"I—I don't know what I am anymore." He sniffled.

"Don't worry Marky Mark, we'll get you back to normal. I promise." Shawn took Underhardys' hand and squeezed it, smiling at the chipped, painted nails.

"I don't even know if I like men anymore. I have het blood in me now, from Jeff, I'm tainted. I'm so conflicted!" Underhardy wailed, leaning on Shawns' shoulder.

"Hey, shhh calm down…" Shawn felt a bit awkward, but tried to offer comfort.

"Hold me!" Underhardy cried. Shawn wrapped his arms around the big man, and then was promptly pushed away. He tumbled back into the grass looking up at Underhardy questioningly. "Ew don't touch me you fag!" He turned to Chris and Christian and yanked them apart. "And you two, stop doing that! It's—it's…nasty. And its hot! And, it's disgusting that I find it hot…yet it's really hot that I find it hot…AGH!"

"Chris, maybe you should share your Midol with Jeffark." Hunter teased.

"Why would I have Midol?" Chris asked, clearly not comprehending the joke. Triple H snorted.

"Don't call me Jeffark!" Underhardy screamed.

"Okay then. I'll call you Marf."

"It's Underhardy, Lord of Skittles!" The rainbow-haired deadman pouted, stomping his feet.

"Hunter, just let him be!" Shawn said, trying to calm the poor guy. "Look Hunter, I'm going to take Mark—erm…Underhardy back home. You stay here with Chris and Christian and bring het Hunter, Steph, and Chris back home." Shawn fished out a walkie-talkie and handed it to Triple H. "Keep in contact with me at all times, using this. Kay?"

Triple H nodded and Shawn led a sobbing Underhardy away.

******

Hours seemed to pass by as they waited for the het musi to come out of the house. Chris and Christian had sex on the front lawn, and Hunter recorded it on his phone and put it on Youtube, unbeknownst to either of them. The best part was when Christian started to fuck Jericho with a yard gnome…or was that the worst part? Triple H had even tried to entertain himself by prank-calling Shawn with the walkie, but somehow, Shawn just KNEW that it was him. It was kinda creepy, Hunter thought to himself.

Anyway, they were all getting bored and were thinking of leaving, or maybe closing their eyes and playing 'whose in my mouth' when the distinct sound of a door was heard. The three of them cowered behind the bushes and peeked out, seeing their het targets exiting their house. HHH fumbled with his walkie-talkie immediately.

"This is Toucan to Kitten. Come in Kitten!" Hunter gasped, his excitement overwhelming him. There was some static, and then a hesitant reply.

"Hunter? What the hell are you doing?"

"This is Toucan to Kitten! The chickens are leaving the coop! I repeat, the chickens are flying the coop!" Hunter latched his talkie onto his belt loop and nodded to Chris and Christian. The three of them flew out from the bushes, each tackling one—Hunter and Chris both tackling their het-selves as Christian took on Stephanie, who raked at his eyes and kicked him in the groin.

"Get her!" Hunter yelled as he restrained his het-self by Pedigreeing him into the sidewalk. Seeing Christian in the fetal position, clutching his goods, slash Triple H ran after Stephanie. She turned back and glanced at him.

"What about Chris!" She wailed.

"Huh?" Slash H looked confused.

"Honey, they still have Chris!" _Oh, so Stephie-poo thinks I'm her het Hunter. _Triple H smirked, and as Stephanie ducked behind a dumpster, he did too.

"Oh sweety! I can't believe they got Chris!"

Fighting off the urge to throw up, slash HHH curled his arms around Stephanie and held her, her chest rapidly rising and falling as she panted from running.

"That's okay Snot Muffin! You'll be seeing him again very, very soon." Hunter tucked her under his arm and carted her back to his comrades as she screamed and yowled like an enraged feline.

He sat her on her feet, and slash Chris promptly Codebreaker'd her.

"Damn!" Slash Chris rolled his eyes. "I hate it when people run their mouths non-stop. What a jibber-jabbing little parasite."

"You hate it when people run their mouth all the time?" His het-self snarled, trying to get up, but his back was paining him too much from The Slash Walls of Jericho.

"Shut up. You disgust me, parasite!" Slash Chris grimaced, kicking his het-self in the face. "And I am much, much better looking than you." He added, turning to Christian for confirmation, as the other blond finally got back up to his feet. He limped over to Chris and pulled him in for a hug.

"Of course you are baby." He gasped.

"Shawn—I mean er--Kitten!" Hunter yelled excitedly into the walkie. "The chickens are in my pants!"

"What?" Shawns' voice crackled.

"I said, the chickens are chewing the bubble gum!"

"Hunter, what the hell are you doing using some stupid code? We didn't make up a code. Speak English, you sound like you're trying to speak in Wingdings or something."

The three slash musi exchanged glances of confusion.

"Wingdings?" Christian asked.

"I dunno." Chris shrugged. "I think it's for blind people or something."

"Listen Kitten, the chickens are--" Hunter started again, but was quickly interrupted with a shout from the walkie.

"HUNTER! The farmer is about to throttle the damn chicken, pluck it, and cook it for dinner! Get your ass home if you have the hets. Over and out!"

"Will do!" Hunter chirped happily. "Over and under! I mean, out and in. Um…ten-four."

The slash musi dragged their next victims back home to Shawns' basement, and waited impatiently for them to revive. The fun was just beginning.

_**Next chapter…I can't say how long it will be before I update again. Depends on what the musi are doing and what state of mind I'm in lol. Next chapter, more fun with het HHH, Jericho, and Stephanie. Heehee *evil laughter***_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Thanks guys for reviews on last chapter! Update yay! Enjoy the weirdness from my brain.**_

**Death to Het **

**Chapter 12: Triangle Dance and Optical Illusions**

Glen grinned wickedly as he peered at Stephanie. The boss's daughter was tied up and huddled in a corner, her long hair falling over her face, one mean, angry, eye glaring, the other curtained. He could see one corner of her mouth turned cruelly downward, and she spat at him. His face darkened and a low growl crept up his throat as he used his palm to wipe away the spray.

"That's okay, Stephanie." Shawn said, his lips smirking. "You can spit on Glen all you want, because--"

"She can't either!" Glen snipped, crossing his arms over his chest, and glaring hotly at the woman. She showed her teeth like an irate wolf.

"I said it's fine, Glen. She'll forget all about spitting on you once Shane gets here." Shawn added, patting Glens' arm.

Stephanie glanced from one man to the other, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"My brothers' gonna kick your asses and get me out of here, that's what!" She snarled. "McMahons stick together!"

"Really now." Shawn drew his fingers through strands of his long, pretty hair. "We'll see."

"Hey!" A voice called down the stairs. It was Miz. When Shawn glanced up the flight of stairs, he saw the young man wearing JBL's Stetson, Jericho's glittery trunks, and thigh-high red boots. Shawn just shook his head.

"What Miz?"

"Shane's here, he's at the front door. He interrupted JoMo and I as we were--"

"Never mind! Just let him in…and erm…don't do anything wild on my couch!"

Miz disappeared, and Shawn cast a worried glance at Glen, who was chewing on his lips in attempt not to burst out into giggles. That would just ruin the whole creepy thing he had going on. The both of them turned back to Stephanie, she was smiling like a Cheshire cat.

"You'll see, you dirty hippies! Once Shane gets here he'll save us all! And then you two will be soooo fired!"

"Shut it princess." Glen growled.

He was going to say something else, but he and Shawn were both distracted, as slash Shane McMahon came dancing down the stairs—doing the cha-cha-cha with an invisible partner. He danced to the bottom stair and then grabbed Shawn, and danced with him around the room.

"Is Shane secretly Donny Osmond?" Glen asked, as he watched. Shane really was an amazing dancer.

Shane stopped and released Shawn, and Glen held up a sign with the rating '10' on it.

"Wow!" Shawn exclaimed, fixing his hair. "Shane, I didn't know you could dance like that!"

"Oh honey, I can dance circles around anyone. It's the _other_ Shane who looks like he's seizuring when he dances. The poor guy is just uncoordinated."

"Shane!" Stephanie screeched. "Get me the hell out of here!"

"Oh, my poor sister!" Shane dramatized, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's kind of fun having you tied up…you and slash Steph always picked on me as a child! YOU CAN'T SHOVE MY HEAD IN THE TOILET NOW BITCH!"

"Oooh, are we gonna give swirlies?" Glen got a little excited, but Shawn stepped on his toe. Glen frowned, disappointed. Maybe Shawn would let him give het Jericho a swirly.

"Can we get on with it?" Shawn asked, tapping slash Shane on the shoulder.

"Hm? Oh, of course honey. I'm sorry I was late too…Chris is demanding you know." Shane smirked. "But I like it."

"Wait, Christian is with Chris, right?" Glen wondered.

"No, Matt is with Chris." Shawn corrected.

"No—it's Big Show. I saw them a couple days ago."

"No actually Glen, I think Cody was with him last."

Both Glen and Shawn turned to Shane, waiting for clarification. (Momentarily they lost their focus on Stephanie.)

"Actually, all of those answers are right. We're all with Chris. We're Chris' harem."

Glen lost it, creepy persona or not, and rolled on the floor in giggles. Shawn just looked dazed.

"Wha—Chris…has a harem?" Shawn whined. "I want a harem."

"Mhm. You shouldn't be surprised honey, that Chris has his own harem. I mean, have you seen the man?" Shane's eyes glittered as his thoughts obviously wandered to things other than what his mission was.

"Shane!" Stephanie screamed. "Get your head out of your ass and un-fucking-tie me!"

"My head wasn't in _my_ ass." Shane quipped, as he sauntered over to Stephanie and traced a finger over the ropes that bound her wrists. "Chris tied me and Cody up like this the other day…"

"Ahem!"

Shane glanced over his shoulder. Glen was still curled up on the floor laughing, but Shawn was tapping his foot impatiently.

"Anyway Stephanie, sister dearest, I didn't come here to free you. I came here to give you some…_nasty _news." He pouted at her. "You really won't like it sweetie."

"Don't _sweetie_ me you asshole, UNTIE ME!" She struggled against the ropes and tore her wrists. Blood smeared on the strands of rope.

"Listen, Stephanie. There's been a little change to a certain document of importance to our family…"

Stephanie spat at slash Shane. He wiped his face against the sleeve of his suit jacket and continued, rather unaffected by her mouth juices.

"Your father, het Vince, has written you and het Shane out of his will. He's willed everything to us slash McMahon children."

"You lie!" Stephanie screeched. Her voice was piercing and enraged.

"I thought you might not believe me. But facts are facts." Shane reached into his jacket and produced a folder. He opened it and showed it to Stephanie; inside was the document in question. Shane and Shawn both grinned darkly as Stephanie's frantic eyes passed over each line, getting wider and wider with each sentence.

"He can't, HE CAN'T!" She screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks. Shane slapped the folder closed.

"He can, and he did…_honey._"

All three men covered their ears, as a horrible, unearthly yowl filled the basement, and made their heads throb. Then, suddenly, it was over. Glen sat up on his knees, and all three of them found the corner empty, nothing but tied ropes. Het Stephanie no longer existed. The three of them whooped and cheered, their fake will had convinced her. In celebration, they started a square dance. Well, since it was only three of them, then it was more of a triangle.

****

Meanwhile, in Shawns' bedroom, het Jericho was cuffed to Shawns' bed. Slash Jericho was watching him closely, inspecting every inch of him, and picking out his every flaw and ranting about how slash Jericho was so much better than het Jericho. Slash Hunter, Matt, and Christian were all watching with amusement.

"…and my biceps are poofier and shinier." Chris added, flexing his arm for proof. "My hair is definitely more rockin', and I don't have a muffin top either."

Chris shot a scowl at the other three men in the room when he heard giggles. All three of them put on straight faces and swallowed their laughter.

"As I was saying." Slash Chris went on.

"All you do is say things!" The other Jericho snarled. "You talk, and talk, and TALK."

"Yeah, I do talk a lot…and I'm also better at that than you are too."

"You are not, assclown!"

"Am too, hypocrite."

"I know more words than you, slash parasite!"

"You do not. You also do not sparkle as well as I do."

"Well, you're gay."

"Which also makes me better. Het is so over rated!"

"You're so disgusting." Het Jericho glared. "I wouldn't touch your nastiness with a ten-foot pole."

"I have a ten-foot pole." Slash Chris grinned.

"You do not, that's impossible!" Het Chris shot back. "Ten inches maybe, but not ten feet."

"Psh, I'm Chris Jericho, therefore there's no such thing as impossible, sycophant."

"It's true." Slash Matt nodded, a blush painting his cheeks rosy.

"Very true." Christian added. "It might even be _twelve_ feet."

"There's not enough blood in the human body to sustain a whacker that big." Het Jericho snorted. "What do you take me for, some sort of idiot? I'm not one of your fans."

"Number one, my fans are geniuses. Number two, yes you are. Number three, I'm Chris Jericho, therefore I can sustain one helluva huge whacker. NOW WHAT!"

"Proove it!" Het Jericho shouted. "If you have a fucking ten-foot rod I'll poof out of existence!"

"Is that a promise?" Slash Jericho smiled, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

Het Jericho set his face into a serious glare, and nodded.

"Yes, it's a promise, fucktard."

Chris snapped his fingers, and Matt and Christian came to his side.

"Take my pants off." Chris commanded.

With one quick 'whoosh' his pants were gone, and all ten to twelve feet was there for all to see. Slash Hunter gaped, staring in awe.

"Aw, damn it you're shittin' me!" The captured Chris exclaimed, his blue eyes wide. "Ricockulous!"

"Wanna touch it?" Slash Chris leered, moving towards his het self.

"EW NO! GET AWAY!" Het Jericho poofed, and Shawns' bed was empty. Matt and Christian proudly clapped their hero on the back, and helped him back into his pants. Hunter was still staring, entranced at what he had seen.

"Wha—whu…how…" Hunter stuttered, unable to comprehend that kind of endowment.

"It's not _really_ ten to twelve feet." Matt confessed.

"But it's still impressive." Chris put in, smugly.

"It's an optical illusion." Christian explained, draping himself over Chris and kissing his neck.

"Wha…you can't do optical illusions with your penis!" Hunter shouted.

Chris smirked, and pulled Matt close to him.

"Hunter, you forget." Chris wagged his finger. "I can do anything I want, I'm Chris Jericho. I can do optical illusions with my love machine."

Hunter just blinked, still staring at Chris' clothed crotch. After a few moments, he tilted his head to the side in thought.

"Hey Chris, do you think my nose is just an optical illusion? I mean maybe it's really small and cute and perfect!"

Chris shook his head sadly.

"I'm sorry Hunter. As much as we all wish your schnozzle was just an illusion, it's not."

Chris left the room with Matt and Christian on his arms, as Hunter poked at his nose, wondering.

_**Review please and thank you! Two down, one more of the captured to go! Het H is still left. :) What will become of him? Bwahahaha. **_

_**I HAVE A POLL ON MY PROFILE. CHECK IT OUT PLEASE! THANKS!  
**_


	13. Chapter 13

_Excuse the pervertedness of certain musi. Other than that…just enjoy and review please! Most of it was Cody's fault, who I'm sure will get laughs XD I was lol'n hard while writing Het Cody's part. Teehee. Thank you!_

**Death to Het**

**Chapter 13: The Photographed Man, Zippers, and Zelda  
**

In the dim evening a shadow slinked, headed here and there, where ever he might find someone who could give him the answer he needed to the picture he held in his hand—his hand with the itchy finger that had re-generated after the incident in the basement. He furrowed his shapely eye brows, remembering his brother and all those who had been taken from his side, the het side, and there were far too many. His people were becoming afraid, and they were turning their eyes to him for answers. He promised them revenge, and any who wanted to join him in such was welcome. So far, their claim had been few to the slash side, but that was about to change very soon. Just now, some of his people were tracking through the night, as silent and stealthy as demons on the prowl, ready to capture and take prisoner some of the key players for The Other Side.

He pulled his colorful tendrils back from his face which was set hard in determination, cat-like eyes glimmering silvery green in the moon light, as he fingered the dog-eared edges of the photo. The man in it had to be somewhere, though it had been long since he'd been seen. Some even held him to be disappeared already, or perhaps not real to begin with—no more than a legend amongst the musi and fanfics—his side of preference unknown and long debated. Jeff, however, was one to trust his instincts, and they were telling him that the photographed muse did indeed exist, and that he was the key to bringing down The Other Side.

He only needed to know where he had hidden himself away.

Jeff slipped into the bar, the twang of country music drifted out to great him, and someone was singing with it in an off key whine that grated against his senses. He cringed, and tuned out the yowling, as he walked with a purposeful stride to the bar, his gothic style coat tails fluttering around his ankles as he went.

Familiar faces were at the bar, slouched over it, sleeping in beer glasses, tipping shot glasses, eyes getting glassy with intoxication and memories. He sat down on one of the stools, shooing the bartender away when he came to get his drink of choice. The rainbow haired man had no time for such things, he was here to find answers, if there were answers to be had here.

"Mr. Layfield." He spoke to the man next to him, and with a surly snarl he turned to glance over the man with the photo, his lip curling into a sneer of disgust. He reached up to fix the white Stetson on his head, it was tilted to one side—but he only managed to tilt it to the other side rather than right it. He leaned back over the bar and touched his glass of bourbon. In his other hand, pinched between two fingers, was a smoldering, fat cigar, and he brought it to his lips, and let a puff of smoke trail out from between his still curled lips.

Jeff was not deterred. He simply slid the photo over to the drinking man and said nothing. John took a swallow of the dark liquid in his glass, and snorted at the old photo—the bright pink in it nearly worn away and dulled with time.

"Have you seen this man?" Jeff asked, his eyes watching the smoke rings that drifted around John's head. "Do you know anything about him?"

John snorted.

"Only that he ain't been seen for a long goddern time. You won't find him. Y'can't find a man that don't wanna be found."

"He must be somewhere. He's shown up in some fics lately. Our writers—rather _their_ writers—those slash perverts…must have found him somewhere."

"I don't think it's really him." Layfield answered, chewing the end of his cigar. "I have my theories." He said cryptically, and went no further with his explanation.

Jeff sat with him and listened to him for a while, gleaning any shred of helpful information that he could. When that venture was finished, he moved on to another man on another stool, and again slid that picture, a dark man with a shady existence, and Jeff was going to find him. He had to. He was the key to bringing down The Other Side—he was the key to bringing down Slash Shawn Michaels and when he fell, the rest would follow, and the music of their screams as they ceased to exist would be a twisted serenade.

********

"I told him that his nose was diagnosed as a lethal growth, and that one day it was going to consume his whole face and suck out his brain." Slash H said, dramatizing, as he grabbed Cody's nose and tweaked it. Cody laughed, swatting his hand away.

"Are you serious? And he believed it!" Cody giggled.

"Yeah. Scared him so bad he pissed himself before he disappeared. No more Het Triple H." Hunter rubbed at his eye, his lips turned into a gruesome frown, mock-crying over the ended existence of his Het counterpart.

"I can't wait 'til Shawn lets us get Het Cody. I already know what I can do to him." Cody's playful smile turned devious, and his eyes sparkled.

"Hey Coddlefish." A third voice came in on their conversation, as they walked towards the I-HOP at the corner of the block. The shorter, blond man, slipped himself between Hunter and Cody and slid his arms around the younger mans waist as though he was his escort.

"Hey Chris, what are you doing?" Cody left a quick kiss against Chris' lips, and played with the buttons on his shirt, one by one, his fingers slowly migrating downwards until the rested at the buckle of his studded belt. "And what are _you_ doing?" Cody asked, as though he was talking to the thing that lay beneath the jean material just below the belt. Hunter and Chris laughed, and Chris drew the flirtatious young man closer.

"Later." Chris purred against his ear, making him shudder.

"So when did you become a pimp Jericho?" Hunter snorted.

"The day I was born, assclown!" Chris retorted, that trademark pompous smirk on his face.

"You always know the answer to everything." Hunter grumbled, kicking a piece of loose sidewalk with his toe.

"That's right, and don't you forget it you gelatinous, tail-fucking, cock-sniffing, peanut-butter-and-cum-stuffing, one-eyed-snake worm." Chris finished, laughing when Hunter's mouth dropped open and he fell a few steps behind. "Close your mouth Hunter. You'll catch flies."

"I looooove it when you talk like a sexually deviant dictionary." Cody sighed, letting one of his hands trail behind Chris' back and slip into the back pocket of his jeans.

"Come on Hunt!" Chris called, as the two of them reached the corner. "You're buying breakfast!"

"And I'll get dessert." Cody said, as Chris nipped at his lips.

"Mhm, a nice big creampuff."

"Good Chrissy, I love cream."

******

A sparkle was in the eyes of Het Cody as he rubbed his hand reverently over the top of the brand new game system. It was the latest and the best—only that was acceptable the woman of his dreams. He pressed the button to give the system life, and sat curled in front of the t.v., his fingers anxiously fiddling at the buttons and joysticks on the controller as the game loaded. Then, there she was—the beautiful Zelda.

Cody gazed at her, his eyes clouded as he beheld her pristine gorgeousness. She was perfect. He reached out to the screen, and wantonly pressed his fingers to her digital form, whining like a puppy left abandoned in the rain.

"I love you." He said quietly, sniffling a bit. He pressed his lips to the t.v. screen, the static making his lips tingle, and he would have liked to believe that tingle was because she was kissing him back. _Maybe she was…_

He sat back on his heels, smiling sheepishly at the t.v. as his cheeks colored rosy.

"You always make me blush." His smile widened, and he loaded a game he'd saved and started to play, getting completely and blissfully lost in the game.

When he wasn't being used by a writer, this is what he did. Hour after hour, day after day, year after year, he played various Zelda games and fantasized—sometimes in sordid detail—about the lovely princess. His room was decorated in collectibles and the walls were covered, not a white space to be seen, with pictures and screen shots and sketches he'd made of his woman—again some of which were rated for his eyes (and another certain body part) only.

The minutes and hours passed him by as his fingers moved with the actions on screen, sometimes paused so they could move elsewhere. With each step and each moment he came closer and closer to rescuing Princess Zelda, and though he'd done it countless times and in countless versions of the game, the sense of ecstasy when he saved her was never lessened. The victory was always gripping, erotic, powerful and almighty like the surge of a back-curling orgasm (and sometimes it really _was_ an orgasm).

Just as he was near the end where Zelda would at last be rescued, up on his feet, bouncing on his toes with the excitement of a million throbbing---BAM!

Cody dropped the controller and spun around just in time to notice his door busted and hanging ajar as four men poured into the room. Kane, Shawn, Cena, and a strange looking Undertaker fell on him quickly, the two biggest men grabbing his arms. The Undertaker with the neon pink and green hair tied his wrists together, as Shawn ordered Kane to tie his ankles, and Cena stood in front of him with a mischievous look on his face. He raised his hand in front of his nose, and waved it back and forth.

"You can't see me!" John shouted, and Cody began to scream and struggle against his captures, but John shoved a ball-gag into his mouth and buckled straps tight so Cody looked like a bad dog with a muzzle belted to his face. Tears streamed down his face as he tried desperately to kick since his feet and legs were the only things free.

"Damn it tie him up!" Shawn shouted.

"I'm trying he's—OW!"

A string of curses rained from Kane's lips as his nose exploded into a mask of blood. He stumbled to his feet and back a couple steps, raking the back of his hand across his bloodied face. Underhardy knelt and finished tying Het Cody's ankles, jerking the rope roughly, so it bit into his skin. Underhardy grabbed Cody around the waist and hung him over his shoulder, as though the boy was just a bound and gagged Santa-sack of gifts ready to be passed out to all the deviant little children.

Shawn went to Kane, and spoke to him for a few moments. He grabbed a Zelda t-shirt that was lying on the bed, and gave it to Kane to hold against his busted nose.

"Come on, let's get out of here before someone might happen to see us." Shawn hissed, motioning.

Underhardy and Kane moved into the hallway, where Kane began to mock Cody as the boy cried.

"John, come on!" Shawn called to Cena. The Champ had the game controller in one hand, and was looking at the screen.

"He was almost to the end. It's kind of a shame to--"

"CENA!"

"Coming!" John dropped the controller and headed out with the others.

*****

Hunter was trying not to watch Cody as he filled Chris' lap in the corner of the booth, their breakfasts half eaten and forgotten. It had started when Cody made some comment about the sausage, the boy never missed an opportunity at least that was for sure. That was followed by comments about the syrup, and where he would like to put it, and lick it off of—and it wasn't a stack of pancakes. Then he'd reached across the table and dipped his finger into the dollop of whipped cream crowning the top of Hunters stuffed French toast and preceded to smear the the sugar whiteness around his lips, before hollowing out his cheeks to give his finger a good, wet, sucking. That was it for the breakfast.

Now those two were making out like horny dogs, Cody's hands disappeared into Chris' jeans and whatever he was doing he was doing it right, because Chris was moaning and grunting. Hunter's face was as red as a blinking Christmas light, and he was getting a bit uncomfortable and wishing Shawn was there. One, because he was good at keeping people in line, and two…because Shawn was small and could fit under the table where his mouth at this moment could be of great assistance.

Their waiter came u to the table, bouncing happily, with a big smile on his pretty face.

"Hi sir! How's your meal? Can I get you some more coffee hun?"

"Uh…um…n-no I still have coffee." Hunter mumbled. "Uh…can you throw those two out?" H jerked his thumb at Chris and Cody as they practically ate each others faces off.

"Throw 'em out?" The kid leaned on the table for a moment, watching, his smile getting wider. "Why would I throw them out?"

The look on Hunters face at his answer made the pretty young man laugh.

"Sweetie, this kind of thing happens all the time. This is the Slash side of town, y'know? In fact, no one else seems to be bothered at all by it." The waiter shrugged, and left the check with Hunter.

H watched him as he went back into the kitchen, swaying his hips. It was then that he noticed how quiet the restaurant had became…and that all eyes were on Chris and Cody, hungrily watching.

"Fuck him!" Someone from the other side of the dining area shouted. His shout was echoed, and soon there were cat-calls, whistles, and dirty things being voiced from all directions. Cody slid out of Chris' lap, and out of the booth. He gripped the collar of Chris' shirt and tugged at him. With a growl Chris lunged at Cody and pushed him against an empty table, where Cody wiggled his ass, to which more cheers erupted. Chris grabbed the loops of Cody's jeans and tugged them down, tearing one of them as he did so. Cody's ass was bared to all and some of the guys climbed up onto tables. The cooks, waiters, and waitresses came out to see what was going on. The women quickly retreated back in, but the male staff was having too much fun to go back to their work. Chris undid his pants, and there was a collective gasp from the room.

"I-it's 12 friggin' feet long!" Someone shrieked.

There were a few low, reverent whistles.

"I've never seen one THAT big…"

"DAMN IT!" Hunter shouted, standing up and slamming his fist against the table his breakfast partners had abandoned in order to get it on. "It's an optical illusion no ones winky is that big!"

"Chris!" Cody whined.

"I'm comin'…ready?"

"GUYS WAIT!" Hunter rushed over to the table, his phone in hand. It was vibrating. "Shawn's calling!"

"Well then answer the damn phone he's your lover, not mine!" Chris batted Hunter's hand away as he tried to show him Shawn's name flashing on the screen. Hunter grabbed Chris around the waist and pulled him off of Cody, to which the whole restaurant let out a collective groan of disapproval.

"Hurry up!" Cody pouted, still bent over the table.

"Pull your pants up, both of you exhibitionists. We gotta go. Shawn needs us." As if Chris needed his help, H grabbed Chris' jeans from around his feet and pulled them up, grabbing at the zipper.

"AGH you're gonna pinch me you hypocri--" Chris curse ended in a high pitched squeak and he went down to his knees.

"Ah shit." Hunter mumbled, slapping himself in the forehead.

"What did you do to him!" Cody chastised, slapping Hunter's bicep.

"I fail." H hung his head, and then scooped a crying Jericho into his arms and carried him out, followed by Cody close on his heels.

*******

Shawn looked around, his brows furrowing when he saw only a very pale looking slash Cody approaching him in the basement.

"Where's Hunt and Chrissy?" Shawn asked, trailing his fingers through his blond hair.

"Uh…" Cody began with a wobbly voice. "There was an…accident." He added, swallowing hard.

"What happened now?" Shawn growled, fearing that the other two had been captured by The Enemy.

"C-C-Chris…Hunter…z-zi-ipper…and Queen Christina."

Shawn looked at Cody blankly, and blinked. He placed a hand on Cody's shoulder.

"Cod, I don't understand. Whose Queen Christina?"

"Oh, that's what I um…uh that's what The Harem calls Chris's disco stick." Cody said, his eyes on Shawn's, hoping his meaning had been clear.

"Wha…disco stick?

"You know, his…downstairs. May it rest in peace." Cody said, ducking his head reverently. Shawn's eyes grew wide.

"Oh, that's not good at all. Okay. Well, I need you to take care of Het Cody. He's over there on the floor tied up and gagged so he shouldn't be much trouble at all. I just need you to dispose of him. I…I'm gonna go check on poor Chrissy." Shawn shook his head, and shuddered. "It'll be okay, I promise." He gave Cody's shoulder a little squeeze, and left him with his counterpart.

Cody glared at the lump in the shadows. He could hear a soft, strangled whimpering coming from it, and some minute brushing sounds as his jeans moved against the cold concrete. He was obviously still trying somehow to fight his captivity, but there was no use fighting the inevitable. And Slash Cody was furious. It was the fault of these stupid Hets that Shawn and his team had to capture them and do away with them, stop them from spreading like a disease. Because this one had been captured, just at the most inopportune time, Cody and Chris' sex party had been interrupted, and then Chris had been critically injured by that lummox with the lardy nose. But it all boiled down to _them._ If this whole war wasn't waged, if battles were not taking place right here at home, then none of those tragedies would have unfolded. Cody was only glad that muses could regenerate. At least Chris would not be permanently injured, but his pain had to be unbearable, and who knew how long it would take to get back to rights again.

Cody growled, as he stood over his pathetic, trembling, sobbing het self.

"You…_piece of dirt!_" He kicked his Het self in the face, and watched as a trickle of blood dripped from under the muzzle-like harness on his face, and drip down his neck. "Do you even comprehend your worthlessness? Do you know how disgusting, how pathetic you are!" Cody shouted, straddling himself, and looking into eyes that were much like his own—but terrified—and just a slightly darker shade.

"Let me tell you how pathetic you are. You use all of your time, each waking minute, each precious second, to delve into a fantasy world where your goal is to save Zelda—that little whore princess—am I right?"

At this insult—not to Het Cody himself but to the Princess—his eyes flashed anger and he began to buck and struggle, as though it would do any good.

"That's right Nerdy Rhodes." Slash Cody laughed. "She's a _whore._ She lifts up that pink skirt and shows it all to anyone who wants a piece. She doesn't _love _you Cody. She doesn't even like you. She doesn't even _want_ you. Why would she? Look at you, sniveling little pansy!"

Now Het Cody was sobbing uncontrollably, his eyes screwed tightly shut, shaking his head back and forth adamantly.

"You don't believe me? It's true. She doesn't love you. She told me herself when I went to the Zelda page of fanfic to have a date with Link. She thought I was you at first, and she really had a lot to say about you. She can't stand you. When you come after her, she doesn't _want_ to be saved. She HATES you."

Slash Cody bent close to his Het versions ear, and whispered against it.

"She's in love with Ted."

Slash Cody yelped, as the man beneath him disappeared into nothingness. He looked down at the empty ball-gag in his hands. On the floor were two still-tied ropes, the hairs stained dark with blood from where they'd gnawed flesh.

"Well!" Cody chirped, a happy-go-lucky grin replacing the dark leer on his face. "That was fun!" He tucked the ball-gag into his back pocket and swaggered up the stairs, his task completed. Now, he was going to go chase Slash Hunter around the yard with an ax.

_**

* * *

Alright…like I said yeah this had a lot of smuttish stuff in it. Sorry. Hope you liked it anyway! So, any ideas on who it is that Het Jeff's looking for? Oh, and another quick note—a couple of you were asking me about Jeff, since Undertaker is now 'Underhardy' because of the incident in the basement, with the explosion, and how Taker accidentally got Het Jeffs finger, therefore making him Underhard…well anyway some of you were asking about Jeff if he got any of Taker in him or what not. No, Jeff is just Jeff. His finger was blown off in the explosion and ended up with all of Takers blown up parts. Jeffs finger regenerated in one of the chapters…I don't remember which one. But anyway, Jeff had no parts added to him or anything. He just temporarily lost the finger so he's completely Het Jeff and no one else. Just wanted to clear that up. Thanks!**_


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